My Current Struggles with my LDS (Mormon) Faith *see post for full trigger warning*

*Trigger Warning: mentions unwanted physical contact*

Also, before y’all get it in your head that someone I trusted at church is the reason for the trigger warning you can stop jumping to conclusions and read the damn post. The Mormons I have encountered on my journey have been nothing but loving and supportive of me.

This is my first post in a few years and I’m doing this on my phone, so bear with me.

As some of you may know, due to my previous blog post, or just knowing me in person/on Facebook; I was baptized as a Mormon on May 16, 2015.

That day was the day I made not only the most important decision of my life, but the best decision of my life.

I had some struggles not long after that wonderful day. I met a girl and she was going to be baptized too. She later told me she had feelings for me and we decided to date even though it did not line up with the Mormon beliefs. She was very quick to isolate me from the support system that the church had provided me with and had told me I could not be around them or talk to them. Little did I know
that she wasn’t going to be my biggest struggle with the Mormon faith.
Months after me and her went our separate ways, I ended up in rehab for a pill/alcohol addiction and rekindled my long lost relationship with the church. I was meeting with missionaries regularly and  things were going well for me in my faith, I was finding joy again.

Not long after that, I found myself in another relationship. I moved in with the person I am currently with due to being kicked out of rehab for reasons that still aren’t quite clear to me. Little did I know, that would cause a chain of events that would leave me more conflicted with my faith than ever.

My new girlfriend and her family never voiced any concerns over me having the missionaries over, but I could never seem to get up the courage to contact them. One day they found me, but I was filled with so much anxiety that I hid in my room until they gave up and left.

Then, one day I was in the car with my girlfriends (now ex) step dad. Things had always gone well enough before so I had few worries and little anxiety being alone in the car with this man. We were leaving the gas station and he reached over and touched me in a very inappropriate manner and all he had to say for himself was “thank you”. I was in shock. I was so full of anxiety and fear and had past traumas replaying in my head as this happened. Then, later that night, me being the dumb ass that I am I found myself driving to the store with him. We stopped to see my girlfriend at work on her break and things were fine. Then, after we were done at the store, we had just gotten back in the car and he grabbed my already short hair and pulled me to him and he kissed me. I was livid. I was mad at myself and I was mad at him. How could he do these things? He was married to a wonderful woman and I am dating his step daughter! I texted my girlfriend and told her what happened and I convinced him to stop at her work again on the way home. I was panicking. I had a whole car ride home with this guy to get through and my phone was basically dead. I made it back home, and for a long period of time if he was alone in the living room or kitchen, I would stay in my room. I refused to shower alone and my girlfriend sat in the bathroom with me each and every shower just to make sure I felt safe. It got to the point where she quit her job to stay home with me so I would feel safe.

Later, her mom told me that she knew what happened and that she was divorcing the guy. I was relieved that he was going to be out of my life.

After the divorce, my girlfriend’s mom moved across the country and we had to find a new place to live.

One day, some time after all this happened, I was doing some Facebook stalking and found out that the guy who did those things to me was now a baptized Mormon!!

I felt so betrayed and alone.

The one thing that I had and that I cherished no longer felt safe. How could I be connected to a faith that he is connected to? He knew I was a Mormon, I was very open about it. How could this happen??

Before everyone says well people can change and all that shit, I do not believe that this guy has the ability to change enough to not be a total fucking creep.

Ever since this happened, I have been struggling with my faith. There are days when I want to reach out to the local missionaries and start meeting with them as I had in the past. There are also days when I cannot look at my book of scriptures, or my Mormon friends posts, or hear anything about God without cringing.

My heart feels the call of my scriptures, yet I cannot open the book. So then, being neglected my heart yearns for the familiarity of the love, support, friendship, and teachings of missionaries. When that is ignored, my heart says that I should reach out to my Mormon friends, but my ex pretty much burned those bridges. After I don’t do that, my heart says “Hey! Call the man who baptized you, he loves you and he cares about you, and he has always lent a non judgemental listening ear. So, I remind myself that in a fit of sorrow and betrayal I deleted his number and never told him I changed mine.

Thing is, the guy lives a few hours from us. I am terrified that I’m going to get a missionary or a set of missionaries that know him. I am scared that if that happens they will prove to  be fooled into thinking he is a good guy. I am scared to have someone mention my name around him and have him know where I am.

I am at a cross roads and I have been stuck here for a very long time. I am lost, I am hurt, I am sad, I am confused, I am angry, and I am empty.

I don’t know where to go from here.

I Live because I Love

This week has been a rough one.

I started my new job on Monday and I'm in full time night shift training. I am forced to be in a small room with 17 other people for 7.5 hours a day. It's a lot to handle I haven't spent this much time around that many strangers in a long time.

I have thoughts that aren't healthy. I think that my life is hopeless and that I am worthless. I wish it would all just end for good.

Then I remember that every day I get to wake up next to the person I love, the person I am giving my forever to. I remember that my actions affect the people who know me. I remember I have people to take care of.

When I remember these things I realize that life isn't a choice for me, it is just something that I must do because I know what it is like to have a loved one kill them self.

I live because I don't want to hurt other people, not because I want to, but I guess that is a good enough reason.

I live because I love.

Xoxoxo

Missing my Missionaries

So, tonight (technically yesterday since it's almost 4am) I had to say two goodbyes.

I had to say goodbye to Sister Hill and Sister Green.

Sister Hill was one half of my original set of missionaries and Sister Green was one of the most amazing ones since.

Before these goodbyes I had to say goodbye to the other half of my set of originals, Sister Towers, and another one of the most amazing ones sine I was baptized, Sister Timothy.

I love all of these wonderful missionaries beyond words.

Heavenly Father knew what He was doing when He sent me Sister Hill and Sister Towers when I was an investigator. They are literally the only combination of people who could calm me down enough to let a stranger dunk me under water in front of other strangers.

They were a great pair... Sister Towers always had (and still has) a ton of sass to match mine and she is very direct and firm in what she has to say and loudly voices her opinions... She was kinda like the toned down missionary version of me... And now she is the much less toned down Australian returned missionary version of me. (who I happen to love and appreciate)

Then, there is Sister Hill. She was always the more calm one (but you best believe this girl has some sass) she always stuck to what she said firmly but she wasn't nearly as in your face as Sister Towers. She is a gentle soul and I love her so much! The combination of the two of them was like seeing how the two different personalities I have could be if I chose to convert to the LDS religion.

(Spoiler Alert ⚠ I converted)

They have literally been there for me without judgment since day one.

I love them beyond words and it is so sad that they are back home! (Well Sister Hill leaves later today) I miss them so much!

Sister Timothy was one of the next missionaries who was sent to help me on my journey, and let me tell you... This girl is fantastic. I adjusted to her quite easily. The sense of humor this girl has is great. She's awesome. She's got sass too... Seems like a lot of the sisters do lol. She loved picking on Socks as much as I do. I love Sister Timothy to pieces.

Then came Sister Green. Another amazing choice on behalf of Heavenly Father. One of the first things this crazy girl did was grab my kitten (the skittish one of course) and after she was already holding him she asked if it was okay for her to hold him. At that point I knew we would get along well. I cannot even tell you the number of times my cats tried to go home with her and Sister Timothy. Sister Green is quiet but once again this girl has a bit of sass when provoked. I love her so much!

I am so sad that I have had to say goodbye to these wonderful missionaries. They have been there to support me no questions asked... Okay maybe just the ones about am I reading my scriptures and how are my prayers going lol.

I wish these girls the best in everything they do and I know Heavenly Father will bless them immensely.

Y'all are family now, so you're kinda stuck with me.

I love these missionaries so very much, and even though I am saddened to say goodbye to them, I am also excited to get to know the rest of the missionaries Heavenly Father sends my way.

I seem to be the person they send the missionaries to in order to help break them in because we have such a fun time in our meetings.

I am so blessed.

Xoxoxo

The Sadness

It's back

I have not been on the outside for even a week.

Not even a week.

And it's already back.

The sadness is back. 

I don't even know what else to say. 

It's just back. 

Like my shadow...

Forever bound to me.

Rambling Thoughts Before Bed

I am sitting here by my bed at 2:26 am doing one of the many, many self-evaluations I do throughout the day.

I am okay.

Not stable, but okay.

Arsen lays on my shoulder purring as I type, and Sox sleeps soundly in one of the corners of my bed on my sweatshirt.

I got my 6th tattoo today.

Along with a lip piercing.

My nightmares seem to be under control for the time being.

I am blessed.

I am broken.

I am a shattered soul with only a physical body to keep me from falling apart.

I started knitting again.

I started reading again.

Music no longer makes me want to scream, yell, and break things.

I am once again recovering.

They admitted they couldn't fix me.

They said they wanted to send me to the state psychiatric hospital on a court order for long-term treatment.

They admitted even long term treatment in the state hospital wouldn't help me.

I convinced them to send me home.

I am adjusting to life beyond locked doors.

I am laughing again.

I enjoy things.

I get exhausted and overwhelmed if I leave the house for longer than 20 minutes.

I'm homesick for my family.

I've made a commitment to therapy.

I will talk about things.

I will feel the emotions.

I will cope.

I will admit that I need help.

I want to drink.

I won't.

I love the person I know I can become.

Goodnight my loves.

Be safe.

The Battle Has Already Been Won

Things have been happening.

I HAVE A NEW NIECE!!!! 

Also....

I spoke in front of complete strangers at a missionary fireside held by the lovely Sister Hill.

I managed to finally push my controlling (now) ex-boyfriend who loved to guilt trip me, to the point of breaking up with me. This is important because he always tells stories of how terrible girls are and how they all break up with him for no reason. Well, now he cannot say that about me, I refuse to be another one of his sob stories. 

I went to church, linger longer (an after-church gathering thing), and ward prayer all in one day.

I met with my Bishop today (7/29/15) for my temple recommend interview, and I passed!! I can now go to the temple and do baptisms and confirmations for the dead! Super exciting!

With the help of the most wonderful Anna, I started some family history work. 

Tomorrow, I meet with the sisters and, after that, I am planning on starting visiting teaching with Anna. 

All of this was achieved despite being severely suicidal. Lucifer will not win this time, or ever, for the battle has already been won!

My new niece, Amanda Shaye Paige. 

7/26/15 8 lbs 5 oz

Me and the lovely Sister Hill

 (I spoke at her fireside)

My temple recommend

I Guess Sometimes You Really Cannot Escape From Hell

So, as most of you know, about a year ago I was addicted to my anti anxiety medication. Klonopin was my own personal hell. I abused it regularly and if I didn't get it I would start withdrawals. Finally, I got sick of my life revolving around this tiny little pill. I decided to tell my psychiatrist. We decided against treatment and he took me off of it cold turkey. Not long after I was taken off of the medication, I started the withdrawal process. Benzodiazepine withdrawals are so horrible. For months I felt like I was going to die. Then, I was okay again. 

Now here I am a year later and diagnosed with Panic Disorder. Turns out the medication that helps me with my Panic Attacks also happens to be the medication I was addicted to such a short time ago. My roommate and I are determined to not let me get addicted this time. She makes me take it when I have a Panic Attack. I say makes me because I try to refuse to take it. 

I tried to get myself out of hell, only for it to try and lure me back in.

Also before people start hating because the bottle says Clonazepam, Clonazepam is Klonopin. Look it up.