I am terrified.
My heart aches.
I am so scared that I am going to hate myself for leaving everything I love to venture into the unknown,
What if something happens to my family here in Michigan?
I have always been able to be here to provide as much hands on support as I could, and now I'll be in a whole different state.
What if my friends and I drift apart because I never got to say goodbye?
I wont be able to support my Kmart family in the ways I have and want to during the liquidation.
I will not be able to be there when those doors close behind them for the final time. The doors to the place I have come to love on a deeper level than I ever thought possible. The doors that lead me to some of the most supportive and caring people I have ever met. All of that will be gone and I wont be here to say that final goodbye.
No more Saturday trips to Salvation Army with my mom.
No more Epic Church on Sundays.
I wont get to cuddle my cat before I go to sleep each night as I do now, and I pray that he understands in the best way a cat can. Even though he is old now, I pray I can be with him on his last days on Earth. That cat means so much to me and I love him more than anything.
I can't just call my friends to come hang out with me when I am having bad days.
I have to go through the process of finding new mental health professionals that I get a long with.
I have to adjust to a new Kmart and new coworkers who even though they will never be as awesome and crazy as my current coworkers are bound to become a new part of my Kmart family.
I can no longer get in a car, drive 8 hours and see my baby brother. I'll have to take a plane.
The first anniversary of my best friend and my Great Grandma's deaths are coming up and I wont be here to support or have the support of my deceased friends wife, or my family. Also, I will have to figure out how to cope with this experience myself.
I wont be able to spend the holidays with my mom and my brother as I have for so many years. Also, I wont be here for my mom or my brother's birthdays. (December 12th and January 31st)
I wont be able to call TTI when I have a problem. The people who have done their absolute best to support me through my mental illnesses for so many years will no longer be the people I can turn to.
What if my anxiety gets in my way of making new friends, or doing my job effectively?
What if I spiral down because I don't know how to cope? DBT is all about coping skills and I haven't learned them all yet. What if the ones I need are the ones I haven't learned?
What if I isolate myself from the people here in Michigan that I love so deeply simply because it hurts too much to constantly be reminded that I am so far from them? What if I hurt them in order to try and protect myself from hurt in the best way I know how?
What if on my first day at my new Kmart I can't stop crying because I miss the one I have here? What if I allow my emotions to screw up that job for me?
What if something happens to me and my mom can't be there?
I have never been so scared, or hurt in my entire life.
I know that the people who offered to let me live with them are great people, but I also know I can be incredibly hard to live with.
I know that this could be the best decision I will ever make, but I'm terrified it'll be the one I regret the most.
It is haunting to feel everything so deeply.
