The Sadness

It's back

I have not been on the outside for even a week.

Not even a week.

And it's already back.

The sadness is back. 

I don't even know what else to say. 

It's just back. 

Like my shadow...

Forever bound to me.

Rambling Thoughts Before Bed

I am sitting here by my bed at 2:26 am doing one of the many, many self-evaluations I do throughout the day.

I am okay.

Not stable, but okay.

Arsen lays on my shoulder purring as I type, and Sox sleeps soundly in one of the corners of my bed on my sweatshirt.

I got my 6th tattoo today.

Along with a lip piercing.

My nightmares seem to be under control for the time being.

I am blessed.

I am broken.

I am a shattered soul with only a physical body to keep me from falling apart.

I started knitting again.

I started reading again.

Music no longer makes me want to scream, yell, and break things.

I am once again recovering.

They admitted they couldn't fix me.

They said they wanted to send me to the state psychiatric hospital on a court order for long-term treatment.

They admitted even long term treatment in the state hospital wouldn't help me.

I convinced them to send me home.

I am adjusting to life beyond locked doors.

I am laughing again.

I enjoy things.

I get exhausted and overwhelmed if I leave the house for longer than 20 minutes.

I'm homesick for my family.

I've made a commitment to therapy.

I will talk about things.

I will feel the emotions.

I will cope.

I will admit that I need help.

I want to drink.

I won't.

I love the person I know I can become.

Goodnight my loves.

Be safe.