Life As It Is

I am currently in a Residential Crisis Unit called Hendrie House. I am here because I decided I wanted to shoot myself, and because I am hearing voices. So, I am here where I am safe while they adjust my meds.

This morning we did a group on grief and loss. It brought up a lot of negative feelings and emotions for me. It made me really miss Willis a lot more than I normally do. Just thinking about him makes me cry nowadays.

I have been a lot more emotional lately ever since I started hearing the voices. I cry at almost anything. I really hope theses new meds will help me with that. The doctor changed my Wellbutrin to Celexa and my Abilify to Risperdol. Celexa is an antidepressant, and Risperdol is an anti psychotic. I really hope the Risperdol helps with the voices, and the Celexa helps with my over emtionalness.

Hendrie House is really great. Everyone is so nice and we do a lot of helpful groups here. I am really glad I got to come here, but it wasn't easy getting here. When I was at Common Ground talking to the doctor he told me he didn't want to hospitalize me and he asked me what I would do if he sent me home. I told him that if he sent me home I would kill myself, and he laughed at me. It was very upsetting. So then I fought to come here since he didnt want me in a hospital. Finally, he sent me here and I was able to be in a safe place.

Thanks for reading.

xoxoxo

Saw my Psychiatrist Today...

So, today I went and saw my psychiatrist. He decided that, even though I have randomly started hearing a voice telling me to slit my wrists, I do not need any additional medicine to help with it. However, he did say that I am not active in the community and being active in the community would help. That doesn't even make any sense whatsoever!!

I am getting so fed up with TTI! The only helpful people there are Jamie (My case manager) and Annie (The DBT peer support person). My case manager leaves in 2 weeks on maternity leave. So, all I will have is Annie.

I really think that I am going to request to switch Psychiatrists. Mine just doesn't make sense.

Thanks for reading!!

xoxoxo

College

So, I have officially left Rochester College. It just wasn't the school for me, and though I love it dearly I needed to leave. I miss it very much, and I miss my friends who are still there, but I guess I'll deal. I was going to transfer to Oakland University, but my financial aid got all screwed up. So, now I am probably going to Oakland Community College in the fall.

Having all this time off has been a blessing and a curse. It gives me time to focus on getting me better, but it also gives me a lot of down time. I miss having homework and physically going to class and interacting with people. I miss having teachers.

People think that I'm never going back to school, but I am going to prove them wrong. I love school, it is one of the things I have always and will always love.

I am thinking about changing my major, but I cannot decide what to change it to. I want to do so many things like medical assisting, phlebotomy, social work, stuff like that. Too many choices and not a lot of time to make this decision.

Anyways, thanks for reading.

xoxoxo

A Turn for the Worse

Welp, I know you guys have better things to do than read about my mental health, but here is an update. Recently I went MIA, that is because I was back in the Behavioral Health Unit of Crittenton because I was feeling uber suicidal. I had to call 911 to come get me because I was home alone, and as most of you know, I don't drive. I went to the ER and they sent me to Common Ground, and Common Ground sent me to Crittenton.

Now, ever since then, I have been hearing this voice that is telling me to cut myself and slit my wrists. Some of you may know that I would never have the idea to slit my wrists, I always overdose. This is really scary for me. It's not just my own voice, it is a very demanding male voice. A male voice that I do not recognize. I have a med review on Wednesday, and the doc upped my anti psychotic the other day. So, I am getting help.

I've been so suicidal lately, it's crazy and very scary. Though I can't overdose because TTI has me on a weekly medbox, which basically means I get my meds on a weekly basis instead of a monthly basis. So, that is a very good thing because I am determined to beat this. One day I will live a normal healthy life.

Anyways, I hope you all are doing well. Thanks for reading my little blurb.

xoxoxo

It's Been Too Long Without You

5 months ago we lost a wonderful young man to suicide. This was the hardest news I have ever had to hear. I cried and cried and sobbed and screamed. My biggest question was "why?", and though I will never know the answer to that question, I know that he is in a better place now.

At Willis' funeral I made a promise to a girl named Danielle. Danielle is very special to me, she means the world to me. The promise I made her is that it would never be me. Meaning that she would never have to go to my funeral because I committed suicide, I promised her I would never do it. About a month ago I broke that promise and overdosed. I almost died. I ended up in the ICU in restraints with tubes down my throat. I have never been so scared in my entire life.

That was when I remembered the funeral and my promise to Danielle. If Willis taught me anything it is that I wont be next. I can't kill myself because it would hurt too many people. I remember seeing the looks on the faces of family and friends, the tears in their eyes. I couldn't do that to the people I love. Especially Danielle.

So the next person I am going to make that promise not only to Danielle, but to Willis as well. I will not kill myself. I will live, for them, because I love them that much.

Content With Life

So, I am officially back at Rochester College, and as I have been back I have realized that I belong here. Over the summer I put some very serious thought into transferring to Oakland University, as is now quite obvious, I decided not to go there. There is something pulling me to Rochester College. For some reason I cannot imagine being at any other school with any other people. I have had my ups and my downs with this school and I am still dealing with some of the repercussions of some of my actions, but the people here are so wonderful. Not only the students, but the staff that I come in contact with when I am on campus; everyone is so friendly. I have some of the most wonderful friends here and they are friends that I know I will have for a lifetime.

Classes have been an adjustment after a long summer of doing literally nothing. Though, I think I am adjusting pretty well. The only thing is classes are so exhausting. They are very mentally draining, and on my 8-5 days I find it especially difficult not to burn out. I am sure that it will get easier with time, though.

Another adjustment I have had to make is not living on campus. This year, as one of the before mentioned repercussions, I am commuting. It is very different than living on campus. I have to be up much earlier and share bathroom time with many more people. I also do not have the social life I had when I lived on campus. When living on campus it was easy to hang out with people, but now, not so much.

Despite all of the mental exhaustion and new adjustments, I am very content with the way my life is right now. Everything is falling into place.

Feeling Better

For years I have struggled with depression, anxiety, cutting, and suicide. Those years were the darkest and most difficult times of my life. Every day I fought to stay alive. Every single day was a struggle to get out of bed, to go to class, to do my homework, to go to work. I thought I was handling it well, I thought I could get better by myself, but I found out I couldn't.

Now those years are over. I am getting help. I am getting better. I haven't had a suicidal thought in weeks. I haven cut in over a month. Sure I've gone through similar breakthroughs but none of them stuck, so why is this one so different? This one is different because I want it. I realized that this was messing up my life at school and I don't want that to happen. This time the breakthrough I am experiencing is going to stick, because this time I WANT to get better. This time I am putting an effort into getting better.

I love the way this real breakthrough feels. I feel like this weight has been taken off of my shoulders. I feel like it is okay to be happy. I'm a new person, and I'm really proud of who I am becoming. xoxoxo