Sick of Life

I know it has been a while since I posted, but I'm back...

So, a few weeks ago my mother kicked me out, making me homeless once again. It hurts so much to know that my parents don't love me. Parents who love their kids don't put their kids on the street not caring where they sleep, what they eat, or how they get to school.

I found a family to stay with, but no matter how welcome they try to make me feel, it isn't my home, it isn't my room, it isn't my bed, and it isn't my family. I feel so helpless staying with people who didn't have to take me in, and not being able to give them anything in return; it's not fair. In the past few weeks, these people have shown me more love than my parents do, and that's sad.

My safety was ripped away from me in a matter of minutes, and ever since then the nightmares are back, I cry whenever I'm alone, and I'm more depressed than ever. Truth is, I don't feel safe anymore and I don't know if I ever will.

The worst part is I had to leave my little brother and my cat behind. The two things I love most in this world and would do anything for, and I can't be with them. It was offered to me that I could bring my cat where I'm staying only to find him a new home because I'm broke and can't afford food or litter for him, but I could never do that. Asking me to get rid of my cat who has been there with me through everything, is like asking a parent who cares about their child to get rid of their 9 year old child (I say 9 because that is how old my cat is). So, for now my cat is with the person I have to call my mother. I wish I was there for my brother, but I can't be and chances are, as much as it breaks my heart, I probably wont be able to be there to see him graduate high school next year.

Now I'm stuck with a choice. Keep going to school and wait to see if I qualify for SSI, or quit school and, at the risk of a complete mental breakdown, try getting a job. I would love to wait to see if I can get SSI, but that can take months and I don't know if I can stay here that long. Everyday I fear that they are going to get sick of me and make me leave like my parents did.

Luckily, I can still go to therapy because TTI picks me up and takes me there, and TTI is paying for my medication since the state wont give me insurance.

Also, I need to have my gallbladder taken out, but I can't afford it because I have no income and no insurance. So, I just live with being sick and in pain all the time as it slowly gets worse.

I have people telling me to just be more positive. NEWSFLASH...it isn't that easy!!! I can't just turn off my depression and be positive, that's not how it works.

Anyways, it is 4:05 am and I have to be up for therapy in 6 hours so I am going to try to sleep even though I'll probably just end up in tears like I do every night.

xoxoxo

Suicide

Some people say that suicide is selfish. I have to respectfully disagree.

I think that suicide is a cry for help. Most people who threaten to kill themselves are just wanting to be saved, and when no one can save them they do what they think is saving themselves, which unfortunately is killing themselves.

I have been very fortunate to have the people I have in my life. The people I have in my life have saved me so many times, but they save me in a unique way. They make me save myself with their help, and I appreciate that greatly. I would never be where I am in my battle with mental illness if everyone did everything for me.

Anyways, it is time for group here at Hendrie House, so I must go.

xoxoxoxo

Life As It Is

I am currently in a Residential Crisis Unit called Hendrie House. I am here because I decided I wanted to shoot myself, and because I am hearing voices. So, I am here where I am safe while they adjust my meds.

This morning we did a group on grief and loss. It brought up a lot of negative feelings and emotions for me. It made me really miss Willis a lot more than I normally do. Just thinking about him makes me cry nowadays.

I have been a lot more emotional lately ever since I started hearing the voices. I cry at almost anything. I really hope theses new meds will help me with that. The doctor changed my Wellbutrin to Celexa and my Abilify to Risperdol. Celexa is an antidepressant, and Risperdol is an anti psychotic. I really hope the Risperdol helps with the voices, and the Celexa helps with my over emtionalness.

Hendrie House is really great. Everyone is so nice and we do a lot of helpful groups here. I am really glad I got to come here, but it wasn't easy getting here. When I was at Common Ground talking to the doctor he told me he didn't want to hospitalize me and he asked me what I would do if he sent me home. I told him that if he sent me home I would kill myself, and he laughed at me. It was very upsetting. So then I fought to come here since he didnt want me in a hospital. Finally, he sent me here and I was able to be in a safe place.

Thanks for reading.

xoxoxo

Saw my Psychiatrist Today...

So, today I went and saw my psychiatrist. He decided that, even though I have randomly started hearing a voice telling me to slit my wrists, I do not need any additional medicine to help with it. However, he did say that I am not active in the community and being active in the community would help. That doesn't even make any sense whatsoever!!

I am getting so fed up with TTI! The only helpful people there are Jamie (My case manager) and Annie (The DBT peer support person). My case manager leaves in 2 weeks on maternity leave. So, all I will have is Annie.

I really think that I am going to request to switch Psychiatrists. Mine just doesn't make sense.

Thanks for reading!!

xoxoxo

College

So, I have officially left Rochester College. It just wasn't the school for me, and though I love it dearly I needed to leave. I miss it very much, and I miss my friends who are still there, but I guess I'll deal. I was going to transfer to Oakland University, but my financial aid got all screwed up. So, now I am probably going to Oakland Community College in the fall.

Having all this time off has been a blessing and a curse. It gives me time to focus on getting me better, but it also gives me a lot of down time. I miss having homework and physically going to class and interacting with people. I miss having teachers.

People think that I'm never going back to school, but I am going to prove them wrong. I love school, it is one of the things I have always and will always love.

I am thinking about changing my major, but I cannot decide what to change it to. I want to do so many things like medical assisting, phlebotomy, social work, stuff like that. Too many choices and not a lot of time to make this decision.

Anyways, thanks for reading.

xoxoxo

A Turn for the Worse

Welp, I know you guys have better things to do than read about my mental health, but here is an update. Recently I went MIA, that is because I was back in the Behavioral Health Unit of Crittenton because I was feeling uber suicidal. I had to call 911 to come get me because I was home alone, and as most of you know, I don't drive. I went to the ER and they sent me to Common Ground, and Common Ground sent me to Crittenton.

Now, ever since then, I have been hearing this voice that is telling me to cut myself and slit my wrists. Some of you may know that I would never have the idea to slit my wrists, I always overdose. This is really scary for me. It's not just my own voice, it is a very demanding male voice. A male voice that I do not recognize. I have a med review on Wednesday, and the doc upped my anti psychotic the other day. So, I am getting help.

I've been so suicidal lately, it's crazy and very scary. Though I can't overdose because TTI has me on a weekly medbox, which basically means I get my meds on a weekly basis instead of a monthly basis. So, that is a very good thing because I am determined to beat this. One day I will live a normal healthy life.

Anyways, I hope you all are doing well. Thanks for reading my little blurb.

xoxoxo

It's Been Too Long Without You

5 months ago we lost a wonderful young man to suicide. This was the hardest news I have ever had to hear. I cried and cried and sobbed and screamed. My biggest question was "why?", and though I will never know the answer to that question, I know that he is in a better place now.

At Willis' funeral I made a promise to a girl named Danielle. Danielle is very special to me, she means the world to me. The promise I made her is that it would never be me. Meaning that she would never have to go to my funeral because I committed suicide, I promised her I would never do it. About a month ago I broke that promise and overdosed. I almost died. I ended up in the ICU in restraints with tubes down my throat. I have never been so scared in my entire life.

That was when I remembered the funeral and my promise to Danielle. If Willis taught me anything it is that I wont be next. I can't kill myself because it would hurt too many people. I remember seeing the looks on the faces of family and friends, the tears in their eyes. I couldn't do that to the people I love. Especially Danielle.

So the next person I am going to make that promise not only to Danielle, but to Willis as well. I will not kill myself. I will live, for them, because I love them that much.