It's Been Too Long Without You

5 months ago we lost a wonderful young man to suicide. This was the hardest news I have ever had to hear. I cried and cried and sobbed and screamed. My biggest question was "why?", and though I will never know the answer to that question, I know that he is in a better place now.

At Willis' funeral I made a promise to a girl named Danielle. Danielle is very special to me, she means the world to me. The promise I made her is that it would never be me. Meaning that she would never have to go to my funeral because I committed suicide, I promised her I would never do it. About a month ago I broke that promise and overdosed. I almost died. I ended up in the ICU in restraints with tubes down my throat. I have never been so scared in my entire life.

That was when I remembered the funeral and my promise to Danielle. If Willis taught me anything it is that I wont be next. I can't kill myself because it would hurt too many people. I remember seeing the looks on the faces of family and friends, the tears in their eyes. I couldn't do that to the people I love. Especially Danielle.

So the next person I am going to make that promise not only to Danielle, but to Willis as well. I will not kill myself. I will live, for them, because I love them that much.

Content With Life

So, I am officially back at Rochester College, and as I have been back I have realized that I belong here. Over the summer I put some very serious thought into transferring to Oakland University, as is now quite obvious, I decided not to go there. There is something pulling me to Rochester College. For some reason I cannot imagine being at any other school with any other people. I have had my ups and my downs with this school and I am still dealing with some of the repercussions of some of my actions, but the people here are so wonderful. Not only the students, but the staff that I come in contact with when I am on campus; everyone is so friendly. I have some of the most wonderful friends here and they are friends that I know I will have for a lifetime.

Classes have been an adjustment after a long summer of doing literally nothing. Though, I think I am adjusting pretty well. The only thing is classes are so exhausting. They are very mentally draining, and on my 8-5 days I find it especially difficult not to burn out. I am sure that it will get easier with time, though.

Another adjustment I have had to make is not living on campus. This year, as one of the before mentioned repercussions, I am commuting. It is very different than living on campus. I have to be up much earlier and share bathroom time with many more people. I also do not have the social life I had when I lived on campus. When living on campus it was easy to hang out with people, but now, not so much.

Despite all of the mental exhaustion and new adjustments, I am very content with the way my life is right now. Everything is falling into place.

Feeling Better

For years I have struggled with depression, anxiety, cutting, and suicide. Those years were the darkest and most difficult times of my life. Every day I fought to stay alive. Every single day was a struggle to get out of bed, to go to class, to do my homework, to go to work. I thought I was handling it well, I thought I could get better by myself, but I found out I couldn't.

Now those years are over. I am getting help. I am getting better. I haven't had a suicidal thought in weeks. I haven cut in over a month. Sure I've gone through similar breakthroughs but none of them stuck, so why is this one so different? This one is different because I want it. I realized that this was messing up my life at school and I don't want that to happen. This time the breakthrough I am experiencing is going to stick, because this time I WANT to get better. This time I am putting an effort into getting better.

I love the way this real breakthrough feels. I feel like this weight has been taken off of my shoulders. I feel like it is okay to be happy. I'm a new person, and I'm really proud of who I am becoming. xoxoxo

Back to School

So, soon it will be time for back to school. I LOVE going back to school, always have. There is just something about the learning and the homework that makes it so much fun. Unless it is math, then it's not all that fun. lol Anyways, college is so much better than any school I have gone to. Also, my college is pretty amazing, though that may be my bias opinion. I am so blessed to be able to attend college and work towards my Psychology degree, and I hope one day I will be blessed enough to have a job that allows me to use my degree to help people. My goal in life is to help as many people as possible. It's just a passion of mine.

Willis

Right now I am missing Willis a lot. He was such a good guy. I remember when I first met him I thought he would be this guy who thought he was all big and bad, but he was super sweet. He even let me use his old fish tank so my fish didn't have to live in a tupperware container.

I was so shocked when I heard the news. I just kept crying and thinking "no not my Willis" I still cannot believe that he took his life. It was really eye opening being someone who struggles with suicide on a daily basis. I realized that people have emotions. Suicide hurts people around you.

I remember how my feelings went. First, I was so sad, I cried and cried all day. Then, I was angry I couldn't believe he would do this I was so mad that he would leave us all like this. After that, I was numb. I couldn't feel anything when I thought about it. Finally, I realized it actually happened. He actually killed himself. He was actually gone. That is where I am still. Struggling to accept the fact that he is gone.

I miss him a lot, but he is the reason I'm not going to kill myself. I saw how broken and hurting everyone was. I could never do that to anyone in my life.

Rest in Peace Willis, and know that I still care. <3

Getting Out of the Hospital

So, I just spent a week in Havenwyck Hospital. Havenwyck, for those who do not know, is a psychiatric inpatient hospital. It really helped a lot being there, I felt safe, I knew I couldn't hurt myself while I was there. We had a bunch of groups and stuff that taught us coping skills, and the staff were really nice. It was a great experience, and I know that if I need to go there again I will. I have learned some ways to manage the depression and the suicidal thoughts, and I plan to use those coping skills when I need them. I really am hoping that this is that last time that I have to be hospitalized. I hope this because, though the staff and experience were great, I missed my freedom. No internet, no cellphones, no shoe laces, no engagement ring, basically you couldn't have anything unless they said it was okay. Looking out the window of my room, all I saw was more of Havenwyck, not the real world. Going outside I knew I was still not free. Having freedom back is a wonderful feeling, though I kinda miss being there.

My Honest Thoughts

Right now at this very moment all I want is to die. Death seems so wonderful, like a reward for making it this far in life. Even though I feel this way, I know that I cannot die, not yet. I have so much more to live for than the crap that is my life. There are so many happy things in my life that I could choose to live for and focus on. For example: Even though I am on behavioral probation and cannot stay at the school over the summer, instead of being homeless my mom is letting me move back in with them for the summer. That is a happy thing that I can focus on. So, why then do I always want to die? If I have so many wonderful things happening in my life, why am I always so constantly suicidal? It is the way my brain has been wired. You see I have this thing called Borderline Personality Disorder. Being borderline is being me. It is being suicidal all the time, it is cutting, it is hating someone one second and loving them the next, it is black and white. I am borderline. Does that mean it controls me? Well, right now, yea. It wont for long though because I am starting DBT really soon and it is a special kind of therapy that will help with all of this, and hopefully next year when I come back to school I will be a whole new person. Maybe I wont cut anymore, maybe I wont want to die all the time, maybe I will be more emotionally stable. Who knows? So for now, I wait.

Tonight Reminded Me Why I Wont Kill Myself :)

I had such an awesome night tonight :) I got to have a nice heart to heart deep life conversation with my friend James, which was super amazing. Then, Dani and Keith came and we had a good time. James and I went shopping, and Dani and Keith made fudge. After that we all just chilled and had a really nice time. My point of telling you all this is that it is nights like this that I remember why I am going to fight so hard to stay alive, and not kill myself. I will beat my depression so I can live to have more amazing nights like this one. I have wonderful and amazing friends who are there to make me smile and have deep life conversations with. Life isn't all terrible, it has some pretty wonderful times as well. <3

Attacking me on my blog

So, this seems to be a new fad; attacking people over the internet. I have had to deal with this recently on this blog. It really does nothing but annoy me. It doesn't upset me, it is just an annoying thing to deal with in my spare time. If you are such a person as to hide behind a computer and attack people, you are nothing. You are worthless and annoying. If you have an issue with me, please, come tell me to my face. Wouldn't it make you feel better to see the pain in my eyes and the scars on my wrists? No? Okay, well then go ahead and keep being the worthless piece of nothingness that you are. Fine by me. xoxoxoxo

Finals Time...

Life is super crazy!! Finals are coming up soon, and I will be perfectly honest and say that I am definitely not doing as well in my classes as I should be. This semester did have a lot of things that happened that affected me greatly, but that is not an excuse. I should have kept up with school. School always used to come first and the drama second, but I think I just got so overwhelmed that my mind switched gears without me realizing it. I went from being a person who loved school more than anything and always put it first, to being a person who has given up. I'm not sure when I gave up, but it happened before I realized it. I wish that I could just take back this entire semester and re-do it...there are so many things I would change, so many things I wouldn't do, and a ton of things I would not have said. I would have kept a lot more things to myself. There is no going back though, I just have to push forward and switch back to being school oriented. I can do this...I know I can. I just have to want it bad enough.

I am better than my Self-Harm

As many people know, I am a recovering cutter. Recovery is not as easy as people think it is. One simply cannot stop hurting themselves. Cutting is an addiction. It controls every thought and every moment of my life. With recovery from any addiction there is almost always relapse. I have relapsed a few times since I decided to start the road to recovery, and I regret it. I regret every single cut I have made, but I can't change it now. All I can do is continue on the path of recovery. Will I relapse again? Possibly. Will I quit trying? Never. I am better than my self-harm, and if anyone reading this happens to suffer from self-harm YOU are better than your self-harm. 

Gotta Love Family -.-

Okay, so first of all, Dad I know you read this blog. I know this is going to upset you, but it is how I feel.
Here's what happened. Last night my step mom randomly starts sending me pictures of my siblings starting with one of my baby sister. (she's adorably cute and needs to stop growing up by the way) Anyways, I was super happy to see these pictures, because I miss them all so terribly much. I would go see them, but they moved to Florida, and I live in Michigan. Then I asked her to email them to me. I did that because I was at dinner and having my phone going off constantly was getting a bit aggravating since meals are really the only time I have to spend with my friends. (Though my friends enjoyed seeing the pictures and how cute they all are.) So she told me she wouldn't email them to me because they are really private and don't want them to end up on my facebook. I have two things to say about that. First, Do you really think that there is no possible way for me to get the pictures from my phone to facebook? Really, are you that naive? Second, they're going on facebook because you pissed me off last night, so congrats on that :) Then she started in on this whole rant about how it is my choice that I never came to see them. My life has been consumed by college for the last two years, I have barely any time for the friends that I live with, let alone people I don't live with. It hurts me so much not to be able to watch them grow up. Not to be able to love them the way I want to. In fact, there are many nights that I cry myself to sleep because I am missing out on their lives. I already feel like a piece of shit for being too busy to see them, but you really had to go and make it worse? Thanks a bunch, I appreciate it.

I Can Feel It (A Poem)

The razor's 
Sharp edge

I feel it

The razor 
Kissing my wrist
A bit too roughly

I feel it

Skin ripping
Veins opening

I feel it

Dark,
Red,
Warm blood

I feel it

Pouring from
The razor's
Newest kiss

I feel it

The blood-covered 
Floor
Bed
Towels

I see it

Life and soul
Drifting away 
To darkness

I feel it

I'm dying 

A far away noise
Startles me 

I hear it 

As I awake 
It was just a dream

But

I can feel it

My trip to the ER

After I got home from the ER I noticed I was having a strange reaction to one of my medications, so I took some benadryl, but it didn't really help much. My face and tongue were swollen and I had little to no control over my mouth movements, it was hard to talk, and I was getting bloody noses. I figured all of this would go away overnight, but it didn't. It had been over 24 hours since I had taken the medication, and I was still reacting to it. The reactions were not as bad as they had been before, but it still freaked me out so I asked my mom what I should do, and she said she would take me back to the ER. When we (my mom, me, and my best friend/roommate Codie) got there I was immediately put in a room and they started and IV drip of benadryl and gave me some Cogentin (sp?) to counteract the side effects I was having. 4 hours later I was feeling much better and they discharged me. Needless to say I am not taking that medication ever again!!

Not Fully Broken (A Poem)

A single mistake.
A single action.
A single response.

Words spoken,
break the spirit,
a healing soul.

A wound reopened
many a times,
never healing.

Forever in pain,
never broken,
I am doomed to be.

I wish
I could break,
the pain would dull
nothing could
reopen the wound
that bleeds.

I am sentenced forever,
to a life of never ending pain,
of a wound forever open
trying to heal.

I am
not fully broken
not fully whole

I am forever in pain

My Wrists, My Pain (A Poem)

Arms sore from wounds,
cut wrists dripping blood,

Crying wrists,
red tears pour and flood,

Life is darkness,
nightmares lurk,

You can’t stitch,
broken souls,

Dreading life,
loving darkness

I dream,
of suicide,

I imagine,
ways of death,

Pain,
gets me through the day,

It kills,
the Demons,

Red tears,
purify the dark soul

Burning pain,
satisfies screaming ghouls,

The red river,
is the stream of pain,

Tossing me,
pulling me down,

Without my pain,
I am nothing,

With my pain,
I am nothing.