My Honest Thoughts

Right now at this very moment all I want is to die. Death seems so wonderful, like a reward for making it this far in life. Even though I feel this way, I know that I cannot die, not yet. I have so much more to live for than the crap that is my life. There are so many happy things in my life that I could choose to live for and focus on. For example: Even though I am on behavioral probation and cannot stay at the school over the summer, instead of being homeless my mom is letting me move back in with them for the summer. That is a happy thing that I can focus on. So, why then do I always want to die? If I have so many wonderful things happening in my life, why am I always so constantly suicidal? It is the way my brain has been wired. You see I have this thing called Borderline Personality Disorder. Being borderline is being me. It is being suicidal all the time, it is cutting, it is hating someone one second and loving them the next, it is black and white. I am borderline. Does that mean it controls me? Well, right now, yea. It wont for long though because I am starting DBT really soon and it is a special kind of therapy that will help with all of this, and hopefully next year when I come back to school I will be a whole new person. Maybe I wont cut anymore, maybe I wont want to die all the time, maybe I will be more emotionally stable. Who knows? So for now, I wait.