Lately, I haven't really been myself. Though, I'm not entirely sure who I am.
People keep telling me how proud they are that I'm handling all this so well, that I haven't slipped back into my depression, that I'm doing so good.
Little do they know, they're just making it worse. I can't show what I feel because I'll disappoint people. So, I'm going to type it because, chances are, people from TTI, who have been saying such things, don't read my blog in their spare time.
The following is not a threat of any kind, I have no plans of anything, it's just how I feel...Read at your own risk...
I feel like everything is worthless. I feel like there is nothing I can do to stop all of these crappy situations from happening. I've been fighting all of this depression and such for 11 years, I'm so sick of it. I just want to be done. Sure, there are good things that happen. I have a place to stay and a way to get to school, but the bad things are so much more. I'm not going to go into them because if you've been keeping up with my blog you should know what's been going on.
I feel like the depression is spreading through my life, as ink spreads through water. It's taking over. This blackness is consuming me. I spend my time alone, I listen to sad music, I don't want to do anything, and I have no goals. It takes so much out of me just to get up and shower, let alone go to therapy and pretend I'm pretty much okay.
I tell my therapist when I have bad days because I don't want it to seem like everything is perfect, but she doesn't know how bad it's gotten. She doesn't know that there are nights where I sit in bed awake contemplating whether or not I should cut. There are days where all I can think about is ending it all. Thinking how wonderful it would be to be done with all of this after a long 11 years. That is a selfish thought and I am not a selfish person.
I don't think I could do that to this family, they've been through so much already. That doesn't mean I can't do it once I get my own place. It just means that the chances of me taking my own life at this point in time are very slim, and even if I were to attempt anything I would feel so terrible about it that I would call 911.
Sometimes, when I feel this way I call my therapist for coaching, but nothing she says helps. I can't call her every second of every day.
This isn't what people expect me to feel. So, I don't really communicate it because I want to be the person people expect me to be.
I know it'll happen, I know I'll be the one to take my life...I never have been able to see it any other way...I just don't know when it'll happen.
I'm seriously contemplating telling my therapist all of this tomorrow after group, but I really don't want to go back to the hospital...I've been out for 6 months and that's the longest I've ever gone. I would hate to ruin it now...
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I know you don't know me from Adam, but what I have read (and I have read a lot about you from your Facebook posts and your blogs), I can tell you care a lot about the people in your life. I can understand that upsetting them or putting them in a position to worry more about you than they already do, is a ton of pressure and that can put you in a position where you feel like you have no one to go to when you need someone most. And I am sure the last thing you want to hear from anyone (especially some crazy girl that you only met a few times)is the cheesy "you can do it" and "your right to think that way" lines that most throw at you. I can say this, I went through some depression in my twenties. I found out that I cannot have children and, at the time, that was the most devastating thing I could have ever heard. I was just married and all I ever wanted was to be a mom. The only thing I could do was think about getting pregnant. It even ended my marriage when my husband found out. I slipped when that happened. But I also hid it. I won't compare myself to you, I am sure you get a lot of that already. But I will say this, life can suck. We all get to a point in our lives where we feel like there is no reason to live. And the only thing that you can do in that situation, is what you are already doing. You have an incredible talent to write, I have seen it for a while now. You push through, even when you think you are failing everyone and everything around you, you do it. No one else does it for you. You are smart, beautiful, talented and doing the one thing that we all have to push ourselves to do every day, try. Get up, get out, put a smile on our faces and try. Find someone in your life that you can talk to about this stuff, and if you can't...write. You and only you have the power of your emotions. Don't give that power to anyone else. I am sure you have heard this all before. If I can give you one piece of advise, read the book "The Secret" by Rhonda Byrne. I can say, it changed my life. I have learned to live and live beautifully. I know it sounds crazy that a book changed my life, but it did. I hold myself accountable and I talk to people when I get down. I have a man in my life that is an amazing person that listens when I need to vent and doesn't judge me. You can find that person too, you just have to figure out what it takes to deal with YOU. YOU should be the only person at the top of your list of people to please. YOU are what matters most and you can do that. If you ever want to talk or vent or flip out or have someone tell you how amazing you are...you are welcome to reach out to me. Anytime.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for such a wonderful comment. I really do appreciate it. A lot of the time I think I care too much about people. I care so much that it affects my communicating how I'm doing and that hurts me, so I probably need to work on that. I will see what I can do about getting that book. What I'm concerned about right now is whether or not to tell my therapist all of this and risk going back to the hospital. It's a scary thought...
DeleteIt would seem that the therapist should be the person you should be talking to about all this. I think the question you should ask yourself is, do you need to go back to the hospital? If not, then you can explain that to the therapist. If so, then the result, even if it is not the desired result, is still the result that is needed for you at this time in your life. I am always an advocate of honesty in any therapy situation. If you are not being honest, then are you truly getting the help you need?
DeleteWhat you are saying is making a lot of sense I can't get the full effect of therapy if I'm not honest. I honestly don't know if I need to go back to the hospital. I have been hospitalized for less than this and I have had times where I was doing worse and they didn't hospitalize me. I know I would be safe there and I could have my meds adjusted in a controlled setting but I also know they cant fix the problem for me.
ReplyDeleteYou are absolutely right. There is only one person that can fix the problem...YOU! And you are the one that has that power. You are doing what it takes to make life work for you. Therapy helps, group settings help, support systems help, but it all comes down to you. By holding in the truth of how you are feeling, you are depriving yourself of the true effects of the therapy. If I were in your shoes, I would go into your therapist's office and tell them that you need to be honest and that it is not easy because you are afraid that this honesty will put you back in the hospital, but you feel like you just need to talk about it. I think they will understand and appreciate what you are trying to do for yourself. If anything, that will show that you are doing what it takes to heal yourself, that maturity and self awareness is what it takes to start working on a whole Kiah, not just the pieces you are trying to keep together.
ReplyDeleteI think I'm going to go to her after group tomorrow and tell her. She does so much work with me that the least I can do is be honest with her. Being a whole Kiah would be nice...I'm pretty much in pieces right now.
ReplyDeleteI think that is a great idea. And before you go talk to her, remind yourself that you are awesome :)
ReplyDeleteThanks :)
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