My psych doc thinks I'm on some kind of road to self destruction because I stopped my meds for a few weeks and though I'm taking them now I only take them when I remember, which generally means I only take the night meds.
When I was off my meds I was doing things I wouldn't normally do. I was in a constant manic state of mind. Most people I talk to love their mania, I hate it. I would rather be numb. I hate it because it turns me into a person who does things I don't usually do.
The other night I was talking to this girl online who is a member of a facebook group I admin for and she was just rejecting everything I asked her to try. She ended up taking some pills and she stopped responding to me. I got scared. The first thing I did through my tears was go to the fridge and grab a drink.
(I did end up hearing from the girl the next day and she was in the ER being hospitalized)
I don't like to drink. Alcohol makes me depressed and tired, so really all it does is heighten what I feel on a regular basis. Yet, since I knew the alcohol was there, I ran to it for comfort, and I shouldn't have.
Alcohol can have a poor interaction with my medications and it's dangerous, and I know that.
I could have called a friend or a crisis line, but I chose to drink. It was impulsive. I did not think it through I just did it. I was even talking to other admins trying to figure out what to do and they were being so supportive, but I ran to the bottle.
Here is a picture of me that night after the tears had stopped.
I posted the picture on facebook talking about how it was my therapy.
There are so many things wrong with that.
Alcohol is NOT therapy, it is self destructive.
My psych eval says I have a drinking problem and I think I see it now.
Whenever I have money I buy alcohol and I drink it. I dont get drunk but I drink.
But I'm not even sure if that qualifies as a drinking problem.
But as soon as I post this I am going to call my therapist, the human one.
I love you guys! Be safe!
xoxoxo
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