Getting Out of the Hospital

So, I just spent a week in Havenwyck Hospital. Havenwyck, for those who do not know, is a psychiatric inpatient hospital. It really helped a lot being there, I felt safe, I knew I couldn't hurt myself while I was there. We had a bunch of groups and stuff that taught us coping skills, and the staff were really nice. It was a great experience, and I know that if I need to go there again I will. I have learned some ways to manage the depression and the suicidal thoughts, and I plan to use those coping skills when I need them. I really am hoping that this is that last time that I have to be hospitalized. I hope this because, though the staff and experience were great, I missed my freedom. No internet, no cellphones, no shoe laces, no engagement ring, basically you couldn't have anything unless they said it was okay. Looking out the window of my room, all I saw was more of Havenwyck, not the real world. Going outside I knew I was still not free. Having freedom back is a wonderful feeling, though I kinda miss being there.

My Honest Thoughts

Right now at this very moment all I want is to die. Death seems so wonderful, like a reward for making it this far in life. Even though I feel this way, I know that I cannot die, not yet. I have so much more to live for than the crap that is my life. There are so many happy things in my life that I could choose to live for and focus on. For example: Even though I am on behavioral probation and cannot stay at the school over the summer, instead of being homeless my mom is letting me move back in with them for the summer. That is a happy thing that I can focus on. So, why then do I always want to die? If I have so many wonderful things happening in my life, why am I always so constantly suicidal? It is the way my brain has been wired. You see I have this thing called Borderline Personality Disorder. Being borderline is being me. It is being suicidal all the time, it is cutting, it is hating someone one second and loving them the next, it is black and white. I am borderline. Does that mean it controls me? Well, right now, yea. It wont for long though because I am starting DBT really soon and it is a special kind of therapy that will help with all of this, and hopefully next year when I come back to school I will be a whole new person. Maybe I wont cut anymore, maybe I wont want to die all the time, maybe I will be more emotionally stable. Who knows? So for now, I wait.

Tonight Reminded Me Why I Wont Kill Myself :)

I had such an awesome night tonight :) I got to have a nice heart to heart deep life conversation with my friend James, which was super amazing. Then, Dani and Keith came and we had a good time. James and I went shopping, and Dani and Keith made fudge. After that we all just chilled and had a really nice time. My point of telling you all this is that it is nights like this that I remember why I am going to fight so hard to stay alive, and not kill myself. I will beat my depression so I can live to have more amazing nights like this one. I have wonderful and amazing friends who are there to make me smile and have deep life conversations with. Life isn't all terrible, it has some pretty wonderful times as well. <3

Attacking me on my blog

So, this seems to be a new fad; attacking people over the internet. I have had to deal with this recently on this blog. It really does nothing but annoy me. It doesn't upset me, it is just an annoying thing to deal with in my spare time. If you are such a person as to hide behind a computer and attack people, you are nothing. You are worthless and annoying. If you have an issue with me, please, come tell me to my face. Wouldn't it make you feel better to see the pain in my eyes and the scars on my wrists? No? Okay, well then go ahead and keep being the worthless piece of nothingness that you are. Fine by me. xoxoxoxo

Finals Time...

Life is super crazy!! Finals are coming up soon, and I will be perfectly honest and say that I am definitely not doing as well in my classes as I should be. This semester did have a lot of things that happened that affected me greatly, but that is not an excuse. I should have kept up with school. School always used to come first and the drama second, but I think I just got so overwhelmed that my mind switched gears without me realizing it. I went from being a person who loved school more than anything and always put it first, to being a person who has given up. I'm not sure when I gave up, but it happened before I realized it. I wish that I could just take back this entire semester and re-do it...there are so many things I would change, so many things I wouldn't do, and a ton of things I would not have said. I would have kept a lot more things to myself. There is no going back though, I just have to push forward and switch back to being school oriented. I can do this...I know I can. I just have to want it bad enough.

I am better than my Self-Harm

As many people know, I am a recovering cutter. Recovery is not as easy as people think it is. One simply cannot stop hurting themselves. Cutting is an addiction. It controls every thought and every moment of my life. With recovery from any addiction there is almost always relapse. I have relapsed a few times since I decided to start the road to recovery, and I regret it. I regret every single cut I have made, but I can't change it now. All I can do is continue on the path of recovery. Will I relapse again? Possibly. Will I quit trying? Never. I am better than my self-harm, and if anyone reading this happens to suffer from self-harm YOU are better than your self-harm. 

Gotta Love Family -.-

Okay, so first of all, Dad I know you read this blog. I know this is going to upset you, but it is how I feel.
Here's what happened. Last night my step mom randomly starts sending me pictures of my siblings starting with one of my baby sister. (she's adorably cute and needs to stop growing up by the way) Anyways, I was super happy to see these pictures, because I miss them all so terribly much. I would go see them, but they moved to Florida, and I live in Michigan. Then I asked her to email them to me. I did that because I was at dinner and having my phone going off constantly was getting a bit aggravating since meals are really the only time I have to spend with my friends. (Though my friends enjoyed seeing the pictures and how cute they all are.) So she told me she wouldn't email them to me because they are really private and don't want them to end up on my facebook. I have two things to say about that. First, Do you really think that there is no possible way for me to get the pictures from my phone to facebook? Really, are you that naive? Second, they're going on facebook because you pissed me off last night, so congrats on that :) Then she started in on this whole rant about how it is my choice that I never came to see them. My life has been consumed by college for the last two years, I have barely any time for the friends that I live with, let alone people I don't live with. It hurts me so much not to be able to watch them grow up. Not to be able to love them the way I want to. In fact, there are many nights that I cry myself to sleep because I am missing out on their lives. I already feel like a piece of shit for being too busy to see them, but you really had to go and make it worse? Thanks a bunch, I appreciate it.