My Newest and Biggest Fear (So Far)

There are many things that scare many people. Each person has a different set of fears. From clowns to heights.

There are very few things that scare me.

But...

This new knowledge scares me more than anything has ever scared me, but in a different way than I have ever been scared.

With the one year anniversary of me getting out of the psychiatric hospital coming up I am petrified of screwing things up and I unknowingly and unwillingly got on that path again.

With the new move coming on fast I have unknowingly gone into an emotional shut down. A shut down I learned about in today's therapy session.

I also was reminded about the detrimental effects that this could have on me once I do begin to feel things again, whenever that may be.

If I do not begin to feel things again soon when I do begin to feel I will be flooded by a rush of negative emotions that could very well land me back in the hospital.

And that is what scares me.

I know I can prevent this, I just don't know how.

How does one begin to feel things again?

My therapist says I need to grieve the life I am leaving behind.

I have never "properly" grieved.

How does one grieve in a healthy way?

I do not know the answer to these questions but I need to find out because I need to do everything in my power to prevent me from going backwards in my recovery.

Much love. Stay safe.

xoxoxo