Suicide Prevention Day: I've Been There, It's Not Worth It **Trigger Warning**

I have been on that edge between life and death, and I am the one who put myself there.

There is nothing more terrifying than waking up with tubes down your throat hooked up to machines, one of which is breathing for you. Waking up in that situation, then turning your head and seeing your mom sitting in the chair next to your bed, that is the most terrible situation I have ever put myself in.

I was lucky enough to survive, lucky enough to wake up.

I woke up terrified not only for my sake but for the sake of my mother and my brother who I had put through seeing me like that.

I made that choice. Yes, a lot of situations lead up to that choice, but it was still MY choice. No one shoved those pills down my throat, I willingly took them handful by handful. I thought I would die, and when I woke up to find myself still alive I didn't know how bad the damage was. Was my brain okay? What about my liver?

My liver is damaged, luckily my brain is not.

Suicide is a CHOICE, and if you can choose to take the pills you can also choose to call a friend, a therapist, a crisis line, or even 911.

I've called 911 on myself many times.

Another scary thought, the overdose that put me in the situation I wrote about above was NOT the last time I overdosed.

I overdosed one time after that and got to feel the pleasure of a tube going down my nose into my stomach so they could empty my stomach just to fill it with liquid charcoal.

Why am I telling you guys this? I am sharing these stories because it takes the "glamor" away from suicide. A lot of people think after they take the pills that will be the end and that is farthest from the truth.

Suicide attempts are painful physically and emotionally and can leave you scarred in more than one way.

There is always an alternative that is not harmful to yourself, and I encourage you to take the non harmful approach.

Learn from my mistakes, don't make them yourself. I regret my choices to this day.

                                                       I went from this

To this

In three years

I went from being in a constant state of suicidal crisis and cutting every day to having a job, going to school, being active in therapy, not in crisis mode, not suicidal all the time, and not cutting every day. (Though if you keep a look out there may be new cuts now and then) 

I am in recovery!

Don't make choices you will regret, get help.

You are loved.

xoxoxo