*Trigger Warning: mentions unwanted physical contact*
Also, before y’all get it in your head that someone I trusted at church is the reason for the trigger warning you can stop jumping to conclusions and read the damn post. The Mormons I have encountered on my journey have been nothing but loving and supportive of me.
This is my first post in a few years and I’m doing this on my phone, so bear with me.
As some of you may know, due to my previous blog post, or just knowing me in person/on Facebook; I was baptized as a Mormon on May 16, 2015.
That day was the day I made not only the most important decision of my life, but the best decision of my life.
I had some struggles not long after that wonderful day. I met a girl and she was going to be baptized too. She later told me she had feelings for me and we decided to date even though it did not line up with the Mormon beliefs. She was very quick to isolate me from the support system that the church had provided me with and had told me I could not be around them or talk to them. Little did I know
that she wasn’t going to be my biggest struggle with the Mormon faith.
Months after me and her went our separate ways, I ended up in rehab for a pill/alcohol addiction and rekindled my long lost relationship with the church. I was meeting with missionaries regularly and things were going well for me in my faith, I was finding joy again.
Not long after that, I found myself in another relationship. I moved in with the person I am currently with due to being kicked out of rehab for reasons that still aren’t quite clear to me. Little did I know, that would cause a chain of events that would leave me more conflicted with my faith than ever.
My new girlfriend and her family never voiced any concerns over me having the missionaries over, but I could never seem to get up the courage to contact them. One day they found me, but I was filled with so much anxiety that I hid in my room until they gave up and left.
Then, one day I was in the car with my girlfriends (now ex) step dad. Things had always gone well enough before so I had few worries and little anxiety being alone in the car with this man. We were leaving the gas station and he reached over and touched me in a very inappropriate manner and all he had to say for himself was “thank you”. I was in shock. I was so full of anxiety and fear and had past traumas replaying in my head as this happened. Then, later that night, me being the dumb ass that I am I found myself driving to the store with him. We stopped to see my girlfriend at work on her break and things were fine. Then, after we were done at the store, we had just gotten back in the car and he grabbed my already short hair and pulled me to him and he kissed me. I was livid. I was mad at myself and I was mad at him. How could he do these things? He was married to a wonderful woman and I am dating his step daughter! I texted my girlfriend and told her what happened and I convinced him to stop at her work again on the way home. I was panicking. I had a whole car ride home with this guy to get through and my phone was basically dead. I made it back home, and for a long period of time if he was alone in the living room or kitchen, I would stay in my room. I refused to shower alone and my girlfriend sat in the bathroom with me each and every shower just to make sure I felt safe. It got to the point where she quit her job to stay home with me so I would feel safe.
Later, her mom told me that she knew what happened and that she was divorcing the guy. I was relieved that he was going to be out of my life.
After the divorce, my girlfriend’s mom moved across the country and we had to find a new place to live.
One day, some time after all this happened, I was doing some Facebook stalking and found out that the guy who did those things to me was now a baptized Mormon!!
I felt so betrayed and alone.
The one thing that I had and that I cherished no longer felt safe. How could I be connected to a faith that he is connected to? He knew I was a Mormon, I was very open about it. How could this happen??
Before everyone says well people can change and all that shit, I do not believe that this guy has the ability to change enough to not be a total fucking creep.
Ever since this happened, I have been struggling with my faith. There are days when I want to reach out to the local missionaries and start meeting with them as I had in the past. There are also days when I cannot look at my book of scriptures, or my Mormon friends posts, or hear anything about God without cringing.
My heart feels the call of my scriptures, yet I cannot open the book. So then, being neglected my heart yearns for the familiarity of the love, support, friendship, and teachings of missionaries. When that is ignored, my heart says that I should reach out to my Mormon friends, but my ex pretty much burned those bridges. After I don’t do that, my heart says “Hey! Call the man who baptized you, he loves you and he cares about you, and he has always lent a non judgemental listening ear. So, I remind myself that in a fit of sorrow and betrayal I deleted his number and never told him I changed mine.
Thing is, the guy lives a few hours from us. I am terrified that I’m going to get a missionary or a set of missionaries that know him. I am scared that if that happens they will prove to be fooled into thinking he is a good guy. I am scared to have someone mention my name around him and have him know where I am.
I am at a cross roads and I have been stuck here for a very long time. I am lost, I am hurt, I am sad, I am confused, I am angry, and I am empty.
I don’t know where to go from here.
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