So, I should be sleeping, but I felt the need to write this. This is a list of things I miss:
1) My Dad's pancakes on the weekends. I hope my siblings enjoy them.
2) Laying in bed with my dad watching Pokemon.
3) Biking up to Spencer Park with my Dad and my brother.
4) Fishing and canoeing with my Dad and brother.
5) My Dad's "Train wreck." That stuff was amazing.
6) That raspberry dessert my Dad made for family get togethers.
7) The way my Dad cut up strawberries and let them soak in sugar. My favorite!
8) The way my Dad would tuck me into bed at night.
9) The way my Dad told me he was proud of me when I got good grades.
10) My Dad's bear hugs.
11) The way my Dad was the only person I could trust to tell things to.
12) When my Dad put those pictures of my drunk Mom as the screensaver on the computer in the basement.
13) The Emmons house.
14) The way my Dad would drive me to school early so I could get help in math.
15) The way my Dad left work to see me in the hospital when I told him not to.
16) My Dad's cheesecake...sooo yummy!!
17) The trampoline in the backyard at my Dad's house.
18) The "blueberry" pool in the backyard at my Dad's house.
19) Sushi...the dog my Dad bought for me.
20) Tigger...my Dad's cat.
21) Girly-girl the Husky we took in.
22) Cookouts in my Dad's backyard.
Sooo...obviously I miss my Dad. We had a lot of good times when I was growing up. We got along real well until he got remarried. I feel like she replaced me. He started liking her more. Spending more time with her, something I wasn't used to. I felt threatened by her. Needless to say me and her never really got along. Not that I'm trying to talk bad about her. I'm happy that he's happy, I just wish he could be happy with me in his life too. He had a choice all those years ago and he picked her, it hurt then and it hurts now. Every girl needs her Daddy and mine forced me to leave, then moved to a whole other state. I can't even count the nights that I wish he were here to hug me and tuck me into bed. Dad...if you're reading this...don't be mad because I feel this way...I'm just being honest.
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Saturday, July 27, 2013
The Girl Wearing Jeans (A Poem)
Okay...this is my first poem in over a year so be nice!
The girl wearing jeans
With a smile on her face
Seemed perfectly normal
Not a bit out of place
Not everything is how it seems
That jean clad girl
Filled with broken hopes
Broken dreams
I weep at night
I'm full of despair
My sadness so heavy
It just isn't fair
Finally, one day
I couldn't deal anymore
I sat with a razor
Hoping to see the blood pour
I watched my blood
As it pooled on my arm
I'm not scared
No reason for alarm
I was suddenly happy
Filled with peace
My heavy sadness
Seemed to cease
I stopped the bleeding
Put on a bandaid
My sadness is spreading
I wish my happiness had stayed...
The girl wearing jeans
With a smile on her face
Seemed perfectly normal
Not a bit out of place
Not everything is how it seems
That jean clad girl
Filled with broken hopes
Broken dreams
I weep at night
I'm full of despair
My sadness so heavy
It just isn't fair
Finally, one day
I couldn't deal anymore
I sat with a razor
Hoping to see the blood pour
I watched my blood
As it pooled on my arm
I'm not scared
No reason for alarm
I was suddenly happy
Filled with peace
My heavy sadness
Seemed to cease
I stopped the bleeding
Put on a bandaid
My sadness is spreading
I wish my happiness had stayed...
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Frustrations and Anxiety Run High
Today has been a very trying day so far and I haven't even been to class yet. I spent the first part of my day at T.T.I attending my DBT group and my med review. Group was not a good one today. I was extremely aggravated because of my lack of sleep due to the return of my nightmares (that would be a good title for a horror movie lol) Anyways, I have been sleeping about 3 hours per night and that has caused me to become increasingly aggravated. So, the whole time I was in group trying to learn the skills people kept trying to turn it into an individual session for them, and I really just wanted to tell them to shut up, or smack them, or both. Then, my therapist decided to tell me that I'm not homeless because I'm staying with people. I tried to explain that I still don't have a home or a permanent place to live so, in my mind I am homeless, but she just ignored me. All through that I really wanted to hurt myself. I have had increasing urges to self-harm they just keep getting worse. I told my psychiatrist but he didn't do anything about it, though I'm not really sure there is anything he could have done. He refused to put me on anything for my anxiety, and he doubled the dose of my sleeping meds to help me sleep through the nightmares. I met my new case manager while I was there and she seems nice. I also ran into my previous case manager which was nice...I got a hug from her and it was much needed. Hugs are amazing.
Now, soon, I have class. Not just any class though, it is math class...of course. Oh, and to add to my frustration and anxiety we have our first test tonight. Now, this is a little known fact but when tests frustrate me I cry. I really hope this one isn't bad enough to make me cry...I already cried today and I would not like to cry again today.
I hope to sleep tonight and have tomorrow be a better day, but I don't have very high hopes because of these dang nightmares. I really think I have PTSD even though I have never been formally diagnosed with it.
Thanks for taking time out of your day to read my rant.
Love you lots! xoxoxo
Now, soon, I have class. Not just any class though, it is math class...of course. Oh, and to add to my frustration and anxiety we have our first test tonight. Now, this is a little known fact but when tests frustrate me I cry. I really hope this one isn't bad enough to make me cry...I already cried today and I would not like to cry again today.
I hope to sleep tonight and have tomorrow be a better day, but I don't have very high hopes because of these dang nightmares. I really think I have PTSD even though I have never been formally diagnosed with it.
Thanks for taking time out of your day to read my rant.
Love you lots! xoxoxo
Monday, July 15, 2013
4th of July, Willis, and a Family Who Cares...
So, this past month I have been thinking about Willis a lot more frequently, for those of you who don't know, Willis was a guy I knew, and cared very deeply about, who committed suicide in his own backyard just over a year ago.
What really started my thoughts about him was the 4th of July. The family I'm staying with, who also happened to be his family, had a BBQ and a bonfire. This was the first time they have actually celebrated the 4th since Willis died. All I could think of is how much fun he would have had. I could imagine him sitting and laughing with us around the fire and everything. It was really hard for me...I can only imagine what it was like for this family. Another thing that really hit home is that I got to see where it happened. We were walking down to the river behind the house and we passed the tree where he hung himself. That part of the tree is now a stump, but seeing that made it so much more real. I guess I was still in the "is he really gone" phase of grief, and seeing that made it more concrete that he's not coming back.
A lot of the time I feel really awkward and such because I know this family wasn't ready to take someone else in, even if it is only temporary. I know that they're still healing, I know that it still hurts. But they took me in anyways. Me, a girl who has attempted suicide many times, a girl who has been on life support because of her suicide attempt, a girl who can't help but think about suicide sometimes. They know that I struggle with suicide on a regular basis and they still took that chance and offered me a safe place to stay.
There aren't really words for how much I appreciate this family. They give me a place to sleep, they feed me, they let me use their shower and such, and they take me to school 4 nights a week. They don't have to do this for me, but they did knowing that I have nothing to give them in return.
I'm completely terrified that one day soon they will get sick of me staying with them and they will kick me out just like my parents have done. This really does seem too good to be true.
What really started my thoughts about him was the 4th of July. The family I'm staying with, who also happened to be his family, had a BBQ and a bonfire. This was the first time they have actually celebrated the 4th since Willis died. All I could think of is how much fun he would have had. I could imagine him sitting and laughing with us around the fire and everything. It was really hard for me...I can only imagine what it was like for this family. Another thing that really hit home is that I got to see where it happened. We were walking down to the river behind the house and we passed the tree where he hung himself. That part of the tree is now a stump, but seeing that made it so much more real. I guess I was still in the "is he really gone" phase of grief, and seeing that made it more concrete that he's not coming back.
A lot of the time I feel really awkward and such because I know this family wasn't ready to take someone else in, even if it is only temporary. I know that they're still healing, I know that it still hurts. But they took me in anyways. Me, a girl who has attempted suicide many times, a girl who has been on life support because of her suicide attempt, a girl who can't help but think about suicide sometimes. They know that I struggle with suicide on a regular basis and they still took that chance and offered me a safe place to stay.
There aren't really words for how much I appreciate this family. They give me a place to sleep, they feed me, they let me use their shower and such, and they take me to school 4 nights a week. They don't have to do this for me, but they did knowing that I have nothing to give them in return.
I'm completely terrified that one day soon they will get sick of me staying with them and they will kick me out just like my parents have done. This really does seem too good to be true.
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Sick of Life
I know it has been a while since I posted, but I'm back...
So, a few weeks ago my mother kicked me out, making me homeless once again. It hurts so much to know that my parents don't love me. Parents who love their kids don't put their kids on the street not caring where they sleep, what they eat, or how they get to school.
I found a family to stay with, but no matter how welcome they try to make me feel, it isn't my home, it isn't my room, it isn't my bed, and it isn't my family. I feel so helpless staying with people who didn't have to take me in, and not being able to give them anything in return; it's not fair. In the past few weeks, these people have shown me more love than my parents do, and that's sad.
My safety was ripped away from me in a matter of minutes, and ever since then the nightmares are back, I cry whenever I'm alone, and I'm more depressed than ever. Truth is, I don't feel safe anymore and I don't know if I ever will.
The worst part is I had to leave my little brother and my cat behind. The two things I love most in this world and would do anything for, and I can't be with them. It was offered to me that I could bring my cat where I'm staying only to find him a new home because I'm broke and can't afford food or litter for him, but I could never do that. Asking me to get rid of my cat who has been there with me through everything, is like asking a parent who cares about their child to get rid of their 9 year old child (I say 9 because that is how old my cat is). So, for now my cat is with the person I have to call my mother. I wish I was there for my brother, but I can't be and chances are, as much as it breaks my heart, I probably wont be able to be there to see him graduate high school next year.
Now I'm stuck with a choice. Keep going to school and wait to see if I qualify for SSI, or quit school and, at the risk of a complete mental breakdown, try getting a job. I would love to wait to see if I can get SSI, but that can take months and I don't know if I can stay here that long. Everyday I fear that they are going to get sick of me and make me leave like my parents did.
Luckily, I can still go to therapy because TTI picks me up and takes me there, and TTI is paying for my medication since the state wont give me insurance.
Also, I need to have my gallbladder taken out, but I can't afford it because I have no income and no insurance. So, I just live with being sick and in pain all the time as it slowly gets worse.
I have people telling me to just be more positive. NEWSFLASH...it isn't that easy!!! I can't just turn off my depression and be positive, that's not how it works.
Anyways, it is 4:05 am and I have to be up for therapy in 6 hours so I am going to try to sleep even though I'll probably just end up in tears like I do every night.
xoxoxo
So, a few weeks ago my mother kicked me out, making me homeless once again. It hurts so much to know that my parents don't love me. Parents who love their kids don't put their kids on the street not caring where they sleep, what they eat, or how they get to school.
I found a family to stay with, but no matter how welcome they try to make me feel, it isn't my home, it isn't my room, it isn't my bed, and it isn't my family. I feel so helpless staying with people who didn't have to take me in, and not being able to give them anything in return; it's not fair. In the past few weeks, these people have shown me more love than my parents do, and that's sad.
My safety was ripped away from me in a matter of minutes, and ever since then the nightmares are back, I cry whenever I'm alone, and I'm more depressed than ever. Truth is, I don't feel safe anymore and I don't know if I ever will.
The worst part is I had to leave my little brother and my cat behind. The two things I love most in this world and would do anything for, and I can't be with them. It was offered to me that I could bring my cat where I'm staying only to find him a new home because I'm broke and can't afford food or litter for him, but I could never do that. Asking me to get rid of my cat who has been there with me through everything, is like asking a parent who cares about their child to get rid of their 9 year old child (I say 9 because that is how old my cat is). So, for now my cat is with the person I have to call my mother. I wish I was there for my brother, but I can't be and chances are, as much as it breaks my heart, I probably wont be able to be there to see him graduate high school next year.
Now I'm stuck with a choice. Keep going to school and wait to see if I qualify for SSI, or quit school and, at the risk of a complete mental breakdown, try getting a job. I would love to wait to see if I can get SSI, but that can take months and I don't know if I can stay here that long. Everyday I fear that they are going to get sick of me and make me leave like my parents did.
Luckily, I can still go to therapy because TTI picks me up and takes me there, and TTI is paying for my medication since the state wont give me insurance.
Also, I need to have my gallbladder taken out, but I can't afford it because I have no income and no insurance. So, I just live with being sick and in pain all the time as it slowly gets worse.
I have people telling me to just be more positive. NEWSFLASH...it isn't that easy!!! I can't just turn off my depression and be positive, that's not how it works.
Anyways, it is 4:05 am and I have to be up for therapy in 6 hours so I am going to try to sleep even though I'll probably just end up in tears like I do every night.
xoxoxo
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