Thursday, March 17, 2016

I Live because I Love

This week has been a rough one.

I started my new job on Monday and I'm in full time night shift training. I am forced to be in a small room with 17 other people for 7.5 hours a day. It's a lot to handle I haven't spent this much time around that many strangers in a long time.

I have thoughts that aren't healthy. I think that my life is hopeless and that I am worthless. I wish it would all just end for good.

Then I remember that every day I get to wake up next to the person I love, the person I am giving my forever to. I remember that my actions affect the people who know me. I remember I have people to take care of.

When I remember these things I realize that life isn't a choice for me, it is just something that I must do because I know what it is like to have a loved one kill them self.

I live because I don't want to hurt other people, not because I want to, but I guess that is a good enough reason.

I live because I love.


Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Missing my Missionaries

So, tonight (technically yesterday since it's almost 4am) I had to say two goodbyes.

I had to say goodbye to Sister Hill and Sister Green.

Sister Hill was one half of my original set of missionaries and Sister Green was one of the most amazing ones since.

Before these goodbyes I had to say goodbye to the other half of my set of originals, Sister Towers, and another one of the most amazing ones sine I was baptized, Sister Timothy.

I love all of these wonderful missionaries beyond words.

Heavenly Father knew what He was doing when He sent me Sister Hill and Sister Towers when I was an investigator. They are literally the only combination of people who could calm me down enough to let a stranger dunk me under water in front of other strangers.

They were a great pair... Sister Towers always had (and still has) a ton of sass to match mine and she is very direct and firm in what she has to say and loudly voices her opinions... She was kinda like the toned down missionary version of me... And now she is the much less toned down Australian returned missionary version of me. (who I happen to love and appreciate)

Then, there is Sister Hill. She was always the more calm one (but you best believe this girl has some sass) she always stuck to what she said firmly but she wasn't nearly as in your face as Sister Towers. She is a gentle soul and I love her so much! The combination of the two of them was like seeing how the two different personalities I have could be if I chose to convert to the LDS religion.

(Spoiler Alert ⚠ I converted)

They have literally been there for me without judgment since day one.

I love them beyond words and it is so sad that they are back home! (Well Sister Hill leaves later today) I miss them so much!

Sister Timothy was one of the next missionaries who was sent to help me on my journey, and let me tell you... This girl is fantastic. I adjusted to her quite easily. The sense of humor this girl has is great. She's awesome. She's got sass too... Seems like a lot of the sisters do lol. She loved picking on Socks as much as I do. I love Sister Timothy to pieces.

Then came Sister Green. Another amazing choice on behalf of Heavenly Father. One of the first things this crazy girl did was grab my kitten (the skittish one of course) and after she was already holding him she asked if it was okay for her to hold him. At that point I knew we would get along well. I cannot even tell you the number of times my cats tried to go home with her and Sister Timothy. Sister Green is quiet but once again this girl has a bit of sass when provoked. I love her so much!

I am so sad that I have had to say goodbye to these wonderful missionaries. They have been there to support me no questions asked... Okay maybe just the ones about am I reading my scriptures and how are my prayers going lol.

I wish these girls the best in everything they do and I know Heavenly Father will bless them immensely.

Y'all are family now, so you're kinda stuck with me.

I love these missionaries so very much, and even though I am saddened to say goodbye to them, I am also excited to get to know the rest of the missionaries Heavenly Father sends my way.

I seem to be the person they send the missionaries to in order to help break them in because we have such a fun time in our meetings.

I am so blessed.


Tuesday, October 13, 2015

The Sadness

It's back

I have not been on the outside for even a week.

Not even a week.

And it's already back.

The sadness is back. 

I don't even know what else to say. 

It's just back. 

Like my shadow...

Forever bound to me.

Saturday, October 10, 2015

Rambling Thoughts Before Bed

I am sitting here by my bed at 2:26 am doing one of the many, many self-evaluations I do throughout the day.

I am okay.

Not stable, but okay.

Arsen lays on my shoulder purring as I type, and Sox sleeps soundly in one of the corners of my bed on my sweatshirt.

I got my 6th tattoo today.

Along with a lip piercing.

My nightmares seem to be under control for the time being.

I am blessed.

I am broken.

I am a shattered soul with only a physical body to keep me from falling apart.

I started knitting again.

I started reading again.

Music no longer makes me want to scream, yell, and break things.

I am once again recovering.

They admitted they couldn't fix me.

They said they wanted to send me to the state psychiatric hospital on a court order for long-term treatment.

They admitted even long term treatment in the state hospital wouldn't help me.

I convinced them to send me home.

I am adjusting to life beyond locked doors.

I am laughing again.

I enjoy things.

I get exhausted and overwhelmed if I leave the house for longer than 20 minutes.

I'm homesick for my family.

I've made a commitment to therapy.

I will talk about things.

I will feel the emotions.

I will cope.

I will admit that I need help.

I want to drink.

I won't.

I love the person I know I can become.

Goodnight my loves.

Be safe.

Thursday, July 30, 2015

The Battle Has Already Been Won

Things have been happening.



I spoke in front of complete strangers at a missionary fireside held by the lovely Sister Hill.

I managed to finally push my controlling (now) ex-boyfriend who loved to guilt trip me, to the point of breaking up with me. This is important because he always tells stories of how terrible girls are and how they all break up with him for no reason. Well, now he cannot say that about me, I refuse to be another one of his sob stories. 

I went to church, linger longer (an after-church gathering thing), and ward prayer all in one day.

I met with my Bishop today (7/29/15) for my temple recommend interview, and I passed!! I can now go to the temple and do baptisms and confirmations for the dead! Super exciting!

With the help of the most wonderful Anna, I started some family history work. 

Tomorrow, I meet with the sisters and, after that, I am planning on starting visiting teaching with Anna. 

All of this was achieved despite being severely suicidal. Lucifer will not win this time, or ever, for the battle has already been won!

My new niece, Amanda Shaye Paige. 
7/26/15 8 lbs 5 oz

Me and the lovely Sister Hill
 (I spoke at her fireside)

My temple recommend

Tuesday, July 7, 2015

I Guess Sometimes You Really Cannot Escape From Hell

So, as most of you know, about a year ago I was addicted to my anti anxiety medication. Klonopin was my own personal hell. I abused it regularly and if I didn't get it I would start withdrawals. Finally, I got sick of my life revolving around this tiny little pill. I decided to tell my psychiatrist. We decided against treatment and he took me off of it cold turkey. Not long after I was taken off of the medication, I started the withdrawal process. Benzodiazepine withdrawals are so horrible. For months I felt like I was going to die. Then, I was okay again. 

Now here I am a year later and diagnosed with Panic Disorder. Turns out the medication that helps me with my Panic Attacks also happens to be the medication I was addicted to such a short time ago. My roommate and I are determined to not let me get addicted this time. She makes me take it when I have a Panic Attack. I say makes me because I try to refuse to take it. 

I tried to get myself out of hell, only for it to try and lure me back in.

Also before people start hating because the bottle says Clonazepam, Clonazepam is Klonopin. Look it up.

Monday, May 18, 2015

So I'm a Mormon...

Let's start from the beginning. I moved across country away from everything I have known. When I got to Idaho I was praying for a church. I prayed for months and then one day the Elders (Mormon missionaries) found me at a bus stop. We talked and they gave me a Book of Mormon and asked me to pray about it. My first thought when I told them where we lived was they're never going to stop bugging us as my roommate was with me that day.

I prayed about the book to find out if it really is another book full of the Word of God. While I was praying I met with the elders and they began to teach me more about the book. Soon, it got more and more difficult to meet with them as they are males and could not come in the house unless there was a male home. Then they sent the Sisters.

I began meeting with the sisters and I received revelation from God that the Book of Mormon was in fact His Word. I can't say I ever really doubted that it was, I mean if God can write one book why can't He write two, I just wanted to be sure.

Once I came to this revelation, the sisters asked me if I would be willing to be baptized. I said yes. Then, we began the lessons. Through these lessons I learned so much about Heavenly Father and the Commandments He wants us to follow. Then, we set a date. The original date of my baptism was to be May 23rd, 2015. We did more lessons and the sisters felt that I was committed enough to be baptized a week early May 16, 2015.

Then, we ran into a problem. I ended up in the psychiatric floor of the town hospital. Through my time there I read my scriptures daily and met with the sisters often. I was blessed enough to be released three days before my baptism.

We did my baptism interview and a few more meetings and before I knew it the day was here. I was terrified! I was freaking out over little things and my anxiety was pretty much controlling me. Then the sisters called and reminded me to pray. I did just that! I prayed and put on some Jesus music and was able to think clearly though my anxiety was still high.

We got to the place I was to be baptized and I put on a white jumpsuit that made me feel like a painter. We took pictures and then the service started. Soon it was time to be dunked! Brother Call did such a good job. I was terrified before hand, then when I was under the water all fears and anxiety went away, when I came up I was filled with such joy.

The next day at church I was confirmed a member of the church and was given the gift of the Holy Spirit. It was awesome!

I cannot begin to explain how much the sisters have blessed me. Recently I found out they are being reassigned. Even though I am heartbroken that they are leaving, I know they will bless more people the way they blessed me.

Much love to Sister Hill and Sister Towers!

Me the sisters and my roommates before my baptism

Me and Brother Call, the man who baptized me

Sister Hill, Anna, Me, and Sister Towers at the visitor's center