Monday, December 15, 2014

Mental Illness Crushed My Dreams

As a kid I had my future planned out. I would graduate high school, go to college, graduate college, work on and achieve a doctorate, and get a job helping others in the field of psychology.

I never even thought that my depression would get as bad as it has. I never thought the person I would be having to help would end up being myself, and I definitely never thought that mental illness would get in the way of my dreams.

I did manage to graduate high school early. After getting expelled from two traditional high schools, I did graduate from an alternative high school. Alternative school was not in my plan, but hey, I got my diploma. Shortly after graduating high school I got myself into a very expensive private college, where my tuition didn't cost me anything out of pocket and I lived on campus. Things seemed to be going pretty much as planned.

All through high school I was depressed and dealing with self harm, and it just got worse in college. My fear of people got worse. I lived in a tiny room with a complete stranger (who turned out being pretty awesome) shared a bathroom that never seemed to stay clean, and had to choose between passing grades or adequate sleep. Things went downhill quite fast.

I was almost constantly in a psychiatric hospital. My meds were always being changed. Traditional talk therapy just wasn't working anymore. My cutting had gotten out of control and I didn't care to hide it anymore. Then in an abnormal psych class I learned about Borderline Personality Disorder. I brought the diagnosis to my psychiatrist and he agreed I fit the criteria. At that point I thought for sure I would get better. Now that we knew what I was dealing with there had to be some form of medication combination that would fix it.

I was wrong.

Little did I know that BPD meant hardcore therapy because there are no medications for it. This therapy is called Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. This therapy would take 1 hour of individual therapy, 2 and a half hours of group therapy, and hours of homework each week. This therapy in itself took more time than school did.

Shortly after that I got kicked out of the school I was attending. I moved back home with my mom and I started this new therapy. Things were a roller coaster, and they added rapid cycle bipolar to my list of disorders. New meds were started and I thought I was getting better. I wasn't.

Then, after a long series of events that I may get into in another post when I'm not super tired and being sedated by my nighttime medications. I decided to put actual work into the DBT therapy.

I saw changes...slowly but surely I was getting better.

Then more things that I had little to no control over happened and I found myself in the middle of Detroit in a homeless shelter. I was no longer able to do my DBT.

Then after a few months in the shelter I was hospitalized yet again. That was a year ago today. I got out 21 days later on January 3, 2014. I did not live in the best situation and was emotionally and verbally abused.

Then more things out of my control happened and I ended up back at home with my mom. I immediately got back on meds, got a job, and got back into DBT. I was doing better, again.

Then, I moved across country from Michigan to Idaho. I have no insurance and am not getting DBT. I did manage to transfer my job out here. I am not going to say much about how I am treated or where I work because this is public and I do not want to risk losing my only source of income.

As I said in the post before this one things are very difficult here. Luckily my mom is putting me on her insurance so I can get meds, a psychiatrist, and proper therapy.

My whole point of all of this is that my friends are graduated from the same college I got kicked out of. They have their bachelors degree, and I have 5 failed years of college and nothing but student loans to show for it.

Where is my diploma for being stable this long through everything that has been thrown at me? Even in substance abuse programs they give out keychains and things for milestones. I have been out of the hospital for almost a year and I have nothing to show for it except for the fact that I am still alive.

Very few people appreciate the effort it takes to keep myself alive. Very few people hear my reason of mental illness and understand.

Many more people say I'm lazy. That I don't want a degree. That I don't want to work hard enough to do anything with my life. Those people don't realize that I work a full time job of not killing myself. Of recovering.

I have no more dreams. Those were taken from me by mental illness.

I am going to focus on me, and I am going to get well.

Maybe, once I'm well, I can make new dreams. Or maybe I can rekindle the old ones.

Only time will tell.

xoxoxo

Monday, December 1, 2014

New Surroundings...New Heartache

November 11th I left my home in Michigan to venture into the great unknown. After a very eventful and emotional journey that consisted of two planes and a cab I arrived here in Pocatello.

Pocatello is a nice town and the buses have proven to be reliable, but I have come across new challenges and heartaches.

A "new" job.

I transferred to the Kmart out here and have finally started getting hours. These people are new to me. I have to learn them just as I learned the ones in Michigan. The difference is that these ones don't seem to have faith in me. In Michigan I was working in a supportive work environment with people who love me, the people here make it known that they doubt my ability to do the job that I know I do well. Their lack of faith makes me dread work and adds continuous heartbreak. Oh, how I want to give up, but even more I want to prove to them that I am as damn good at my job as everyone in Michigan new I would be from day one.

Losing the ones I love.

I long to communicate with the people I had to leave behind in Michigan. I long to let them know that I still love them. My heart fears that as they learn to live a life without me in it that they will move on and forget me. I feel like if I talk to them as much as I want to I will annoy them and drive them away. I fear that talking to them will make the heartache worse.

Fighting roommates.

I never once thought that I would be 22 and be reliving the trauma of the fights my parents had while they were married and during the divorce almost everyday. I love my roommates dearly but when they fight I get brought back to that place where I was as a kid praying my parents would get divorced just so they wouldn't be able to fight anymore. No matter how many DBT skills I try to use it is nearly impossible to stop myself from going back in time.

New triggers.

My mental health is slowly deteriorating. Most likely due to a lack of regularly taking my meds, a new environment, new triggers, and a new therapist. One of my roommates is dealing with self harm the way I do. They are not as far along in recovery as I am and it is very hard to maintain the recovery I have achieved when I am in this situation. I now know what it is like to be plagued by the fear and anxiety that they may cut too deep while they are home alone. Everytime I leave the house I fear that I will come back to a lifeless, bloody body on the bathroom floor. This wears me down more than I ever knew it could. I have a new appreciation for what I have put my loved ones through all these years. I try to fight and stay strong, but I would be lying if I said I have not relapsed.

A broken, hurting heart.

My heart hurts in a way I have never allowed it to hurt before. There is loss and pain. Fear and guilt. What if something happens to a loved one in Michigan and I cannot get there in time? I am so far from everything I have ever known and everyone I have ever loved. I feel guilty knowing I got out of that closing store while my beloved co workers are forced to follow through with the liquidation and see the store we all love fall apart. I feel like I should have to suffer with them, we should walk out of those doors on that final day together as a family and now I'm across country. My mom has new health problems that mystify doctors. My brother is away at college with his best friend...I can no longer be there to love and protect them the way I have for so long. I admit I have been through things in life that have hurt me more than this, but I never allowed myself to feel that hurt. Now, I feel it and struggle to control it as to not allow it to take over my life. I fight every single day to keep myself out of that overwhelming depression that is continuously knocking at my door. I force myself to get on a bus full of strangers to get me to a job where no one seems to have faith in me. My life and my sanity are on the verge of crumbling down into ashes that get blown away in the wind. Every single time I think of just ending everything as I have tried too many times before I am reminded of the fact that if I end it now I will never be able to hug my mother or brother again and right now that is honestly the only thing keeping me alive. My heart aches so badly. I wish that I could just turn back time to this summer where I worked at a Kmart that was not closing with people who I loved dearly. Where I would go home to my brother playing his video games and my animals knowing my mom would soon join us. I wish I could go back to those times and freeze them so I could live there forever. People tell me I'm strong, but I have never felt so weak and helpless.