One Month Without Her...

One month ago we lost a beautiful person. One month ago my Great Grandma died. She died of natural causes, she was just old and miserable. I had just talked to her a few days earlier and we talked about me coming to visit when I had time, and how miserable she was. Well... I never got to visit her. I got the devastating phone call while I was in the psychiatric hospital, and at that moment, my world crashed around me. My heart was shattered and I didn't know how to pick up the pieces. I kept telling myself it was okay because I had just talked to her but there isn't a day that goes by where I don't wish I had been able to see her one last time. There was no funeral, no memorial service. Those things are expensive  and she had out lived her friends. She was cremated and I hope to put some of her ashes into my special necklace made for just that so I can have her with me always. My heart is still shattered and my world has crashed around me. Too many deaths to deal with. My grandma was a wonderful woman who loved me with all her heart and I can only hope to be the kind of woman she was. I love you grandma...rest in peace...I will see you again one day soon!

I am....

I am addicted to my medications...
I am severely co-dependent...
I am a victim...
I am a cutter...
I am scarred physically and mentally...

I am?

I am beautiful...
I am fun...
I am loving...
I am recovering...
I am loved...

I am!

Changing with Change

Over the last few weeks here at Home Lifestyles (the independent living home I live in) I have noticed some changes in me. Yes some of those changes are from my eating disorder (EDNOS) and some are from not having had my medications for a minute, but there are other more subtle changes I have noticed.

There are physical changes albeit most are probably from my EDNOS, but they are still there. My face is thinner when I look in the mirror and my cheek bones stand out more. My hair that was once a vibrant purple had changed to a less vibrant burgundy with a few hints of pink and orange. It hangs flat, straight, and long, at shoulder length it is the longest it has been in years. Its nothing special but its pretty and sometimes I can fluff it up. My eyes have their shine back and my lips are fuller like they used to be.

There are emotional changes albeit most of these are from not having my meds for a minute, but they're still here. I spend most of my time in a chill state where I'm just the fun loving me I've missed so dearly, but I also spend much of my time in the manic stage. I feel like there isn't anything I can't do. I dance around the room to my music playing as loud as possible, I power clean, and I talk like crazy! With mania also comes depressive stages and I've had my fair share of those too. Usually when I'm in a depressive stage ill go next door and watch TV with everyone else to distract myself and text some friends and I survive. This is not to say I haven't self harmed since I got here (I did have one major breakdown one night that ended with more than a few cuts) but I'm more stable now.

I guess my whole point of writing this is to say that I'm not the same girl who was in that shelter two months ago...heck...I'm not even the same girl who was in the hospital a month ago. I've changed and I didn't even see it until today. These changes are good ones for the most part, though I am now back on my meds and will be stable again soon.

I'm changing with the change.

Xoxoxoxo much love to all who read this!

Grasping at Air

I'm falling fast. Out of medication. Life is spiraling out of control. Cuts to hide, tears to cry. I'm grasping at air reaching for something that isn't even there, I need to hold onto something to be saved. Saved from the scariest monster I've met so far, myself. How do you win a fight when you're battling yourself. You can't get a step ahead because that other part knows what you're planning. You just have to surrender, give in, stop fighting. Surrender to self harm, suicide, the eating disorder that is destroying my life. I can't fight, I need someone to help me to hold me to care for me. Apparently I don't have that person the way I thought I did. Maybe he's having a bad day I don't know but I'm falling fast.

21 Days Crazy...

So, January 3, 2014, I was released from Havenwyck Hospital after a 21 day stay. I felt like I was going to go insane. All we could do was go to groups, color, and sleep. I chose groups and sleeping. My doctor at the hospital was my doctor outside the hospital so it was cool that he didn't mess with my meds too much. He tried to discharge me too early so I took a knife from the cafeteria and I cut my arms up. They couldn't discharge me if I was still hurting myself. I got put on one to ones which is where you get assigned your own personal staff member who has to be within arms length of you at all times. They also took everything of mine out of my room and put me in some gowns. Pretty suckish. The next day I got off of one to ones and got my stuff. They kept trying to discharge me to the streets but they couldn't so I got to stay. I didn't do much it was so boring. Ugh...so done with places like that. I hope I don't have to go again and that I can stop cutting, but relapse is a part of recovery. I just gotta not self sabotage. Recovery is always possible...remember that! Love you all xoxoxo