I Have To Go (A Poem)

Goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye

I have to go
Though I love you so

Strength is fading
The pills are aiding

My suicide

Slipping away
Keeping tears
At bay

I'm dying

Bleeding cuts
Mind filled with
"what ifs" and "buts"

My heart slows

I hate to leave you alone
These cuts
Cannot be sewn

I whisper
"I'm sorry"
As I die alone

This Is Probably Not Good...

So I know this might not be something people want to read but I need to get it out and I'm not forcing anyone to read this.

On thursday I cut myself. This would just be something I normally do and it wouldn't bother me except for the fact that this time it didn't hurt. I cut my arms and thighs and I felt nothing but a calm peacefulness...no pain. Usually it hurts...a lot. So I'm kinda freaking out...has it really been something I've done for such a long time that my body is used to it? That would be a possibility but I hadn't done it in 6 months so my body is not used to it anymore. This is not good...

A Long Few Days

It has been a long few days ...i was discharged from Hendrie House on wednesday and went straight back to common ground. After a few hours common ground sent me home with an appointment to go to thursday morning. I went to my appointment thursday and was completely honest with my doctor and therapist about my suicidal ideations and plan but they didn't do anything to help me and just sent me back home. Later on thursday I went to the emergency room. I went to the ER instead of straight to common ground because when you go to the ER they put you on a petition and cert. Those are legal documents that basically mean I could not leave common ground on my own once I got there. This was good because last september I left common ground and overdosed the next day. I spent all night thursday in the ER and went to common ground friday morning. Common ground was really frustrating because they wanted to send me back home and it seemed like they didn't want to help me. After a few hours I finally convinced them I needed more help and they decided to send me back to Hendrie. I had to sit there all day while they did the paperwork but finally I got back here to Hendrie. I was welcomed back with open arms and after days of crying and panic attacks I was able to laugh and feel safe. I'm really hoping it helps this time!

Back in Recovery

So, as of last Friday I am back in recovery. I'm back at Hendrie House. It's a really good place to be. The staff are so kind and supportive. I was welcomed back with hugs, something I need on a regular basis. The groups here are helpful for the most part, though some of them are substance abuse groups which are hard to relate to. Another good thing is the seemingly unlimited amounts of Jolly Ranchers. On a serious note as much as I am thankful to be here instead of in a hospital, I wish I didn't need to be here. They switched up my meds...took me off of my Wellbutrin because one of the side effects is anxiety and I have been having really bad anxiety. The doctor also put me on an anti anxiety medication that I have no idea how to spell. Its helped so far. I haven't been rocking back and forth and I haven't been having racing thoughts. So far so good. Hopefully when I get out of here I won't need to come back, but if I do I will.

Not Worth Any Tears

Lately, I haven't really been myself. Though, I'm not entirely sure who I am.

People keep telling me how proud they are that I'm handling all this so well, that I haven't slipped back into my depression, that I'm doing so good.

Little do they know, they're just making it worse. I can't show what I feel because I'll disappoint people. So, I'm going to type it because, chances are, people from TTI, who have been saying such things, don't read my blog in their spare time.

The following is not a threat of any kind, I have no plans of anything, it's just how I feel...Read at your own risk...

I feel like everything is worthless. I feel like there is nothing I can do to stop all of these crappy situations from happening. I've been fighting all of this depression and such for 11 years, I'm so sick of it. I just want to be done. Sure, there are good things that happen. I have a place to stay and a way to get to school, but the bad things are so much more. I'm not going to go into them because if you've been keeping up with my blog you should know what's been going on.

I feel like the depression is spreading through my life, as ink spreads through water. It's taking over. This blackness is consuming me. I spend my time alone, I listen to sad music, I don't want to do anything, and I have no goals. It takes so much out of me just to get up and shower, let alone go to therapy and pretend I'm pretty much okay.

I tell my therapist when I have bad days because I don't want it to seem like everything is perfect, but she doesn't know how bad it's gotten. She doesn't know that there are nights where I sit in bed awake contemplating whether or not I should cut. There are days where all I can think about is ending it all. Thinking how wonderful it would be to be done with all of this after a long 11 years. That is a selfish thought and I am not a selfish person.

I don't think I could do that to this family, they've been through so much already. That doesn't mean I can't do it once I get my own place. It just means that the chances of me taking my own life at this point in time are very slim, and even if I were to attempt anything I would feel so terrible about it that I would call 911.

Sometimes, when I feel this way I call my therapist for coaching, but nothing she says helps. I can't call her every second of every day.

This isn't what people expect me to feel. So, I don't really communicate it because I want to be the person people expect me to be.

I know it'll happen, I know I'll be the one to take my life...I never have been able to see it any other way...I just don't know when it'll happen.

I'm seriously contemplating telling my therapist all of this tomorrow after group, but I really don't want to go back to the hospital...I've been out for 6 months and that's the longest I've ever gone. I would hate to ruin it now...