Frustrating but Temporary

Little known fact:

I was the one to bring the diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) to my psychiatrists attention. I learned about it in an abnormal psychology class, researched it and said "hey, that's me." I had my friends read the information I printed out about it and they all agreed. So, I brought my self knowledge and what I had researched to my doctor. He didn't agree at first because I, in his eyes, was missing one key factor I wasn't "upsetting enough." This doctor who barely knew me had the guts to tell me I am not upsetting enough to have a disorder when I have all of the other symptoms? Well, let's just say he quickly learned first hand over our next few sessions how "upsetting" I really am. Needless to say, by being myself I got the right diagnosis and am now getting the most effective kind of therapy.

Okay so here is the real blog post:

I am on the verge of some HUGE life changes. I am leaving the city I have known most of my life to move to a place I visited once as a kid.

My mom is not moving with me.

My cat is not moving with me.

My brother is not moving with me.

The three most important things in my life are staying right here in Michigan where they belong.

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I am moving to Pocatello, Idaho.

I am moving in November.

November 11th to be more precise.

I have wonderful and supportive people who offered to let me live with them.

I've known them for what feels like forever.

I'm also extremely emotional.

Partially because of the things mentioned above and partially because they
are closing down the Kmart I work at.

It's "normal" to be emotional about moving. It's even "normal" to be upset about your place of work closing.

Here's the thing, I am upset about my Kmart being shut down when I already knew I was leaving and when we already knew in our hearts they were shutting us down.

I can see being upset for a day but it's been three and I still cry whenever I think about even going to Kmart.

It's just sad to me that they are getting rid of the place I have grown so fond of and the people I grew to love so dearly.

This is where people educated in psychology (other than my therapist who does her best to validate me instead of stereotype me) look at me and tell me I'm a "classic borderline."

I honestly am so completely devastated.

I feel as if my world is crashing around me.

Not because I'm moving to another state but because I'm losing something I knew would be temporary.

I KNEW it was temporary!

I KNEW!!

But here I am in tears most of the time because of this situation.

I'm not going to agree with various doctors who call me a "classic borderline" because that says to me I am BPD not I have BPD.

I am going to say I am definitely an individual who exhibits extreme signs and traits of Borderline Personality Disorder.

I say it my way and not the doctors way because the doctors way makes me feel like I'm stuck being "A borderline" whereas my way tells me at this point in time in my life I am showing signs of having this specific psychiatric disorder and I can work towards recovery through DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy).

I am not a borderline, I am an individual who suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder.

This is frustrating, but temporary.

Much love, be safe!

xoxoxo

Beautiful in its Own Twisted Way ( A Poem)

A life lived
People loved

Loved
Oh how 
I love them

I love you
I can't stand you

There are no in betweens
I don’t know what grey is

My love 
My dislike 
black and white

One cannot exist
Without the other

Black needs white
White needs black

Never mixing
No grey

Coexisting 
So far apart

Codependency
Without a hug

That is 
My life

Beautiful
In its own
Twisted way

Welp...Today Was a Sad Day, but Here Is Some News

It is with a heavy heart I announce that today we officially found out the Kmart me and my co workers (many of whom I now call friends) work at is being liquidated. They are shutting us down.

Liquidation sales start next week and doors close December 17th.

It hurts knowing that many of my friends will have to find different jobs. It hurts that when I come back to visit it wont be the Kmart I grew to love.

I love my job and the people I work with.

That being said you will have noticed I said "When I come back to visit" which raises the question of "Where am I going?"

I am moving to Pocatello, Idaho.

When?

Well plans are November as of right now.

There is nothing keeping me here anymore.

My mom is here, but I think we will get a long better if I'm not around as much.

My brother is away at college.

My Dad and his family are in Florida.

My job is closing.

Nothing is holding me back.

I am free.

I will leave in tears, the same way I'm crying while writing this.

But the tears and hurt will be temporary as I begin to re create myself and my life.

Love you all

xoxoxo

"I didn't know I was broken, until I wanted to change."

The title of this particular post could not be more true.

"I didn't know I was broken, until I wanted to change."

I started therapy young. I started cutting young. My suicidal thoughts and ideations started when I was younger than I care to admit.

Though I was in therapy I wasn't getting anywhere. My life was still going downhill. This went on for years up until about a year ago. Almost a year ago I was in Havenwyck Psychiatric Hospital for 21 days. My best friend had just died, my Great Grandma died just days after Christmas while I was in the hospital. I had a lot of time to think and process things. I had nowhere to go, my family didn't want me anymore. I had been that difficult to live with.

It was in that hospital room that I decided I really was going to try. There had been many times prior to this that I said I was going to change. The thing that made this time different is I actually started doing the work. I applied myself in therapy, I did my therapy homework, I listened to my therapists suggestions.

When I was forced to move back into my mom's house I thought I was going to slip into the mindset I had been in when I was in Havenwyck, but I didn't. I fought to get therapy. I called TTI many many times. I got myself back into DBT, I got myself a psychiatrist I am comfortable with, I even got a case manager. I did it myself. I didn't wait until I had a breakdown and was sent to common ground. I was pro active and I got shit done.

Now, with some changes that I will discuss at a later time once all people who will be immediately affected have been notified. I am going to have to do the same thing. I will have support, but it will always be up to me,

To all of you out there, it is up to you. No one can make you change. You have to want to make your life better.

Many thanks to Bleachers and their song titled "I Wanna Get Better" for the inspiration for this post.

Much love to all my readers.

xoxoxo

Prescription Drug Abuse

I have a confession...

I abuse my Klonopin.

For those of you who don't know Klonopin is a benzodiazepine (Benzo) that is commonly used for anxiety. I have moderate to severe social anxiety and ever since I got my job (where I deal with people my entire shift se of who are angry) I have been taking three times my prescribed dose of Klonopin.

It helps so much. It allows me to be social and outgoing at work.

I can't keep doing this.

It gives me temporary relief but what happens when three times my dose isn't enough anymore? How long until I'm taking it by the handful?

I can't live like this. I would rather have a few non benzos (non addictive) that work than a benzo that I abuse.

Last time I tried to go off my Klonopin I have severe withdrawals, as Klonopin is highly addictive.

I'm scared of how my body will react this time, but I need to go off of the Klonopin.

Suicide Prevention Day: I've Been There, It's Not Worth It **Trigger Warning**

I have been on that edge between life and death, and I am the one who put myself there.

There is nothing more terrifying than waking up with tubes down your throat hooked up to machines, one of which is breathing for you. Waking up in that situation, then turning your head and seeing your mom sitting in the chair next to your bed, that is the most terrible situation I have ever put myself in.

I was lucky enough to survive, lucky enough to wake up.

I woke up terrified not only for my sake but for the sake of my mother and my brother who I had put through seeing me like that.

I made that choice. Yes, a lot of situations lead up to that choice, but it was still MY choice. No one shoved those pills down my throat, I willingly took them handful by handful. I thought I would die, and when I woke up to find myself still alive I didn't know how bad the damage was. Was my brain okay? What about my liver?

My liver is damaged, luckily my brain is not.

Suicide is a CHOICE, and if you can choose to take the pills you can also choose to call a friend, a therapist, a crisis line, or even 911.

I've called 911 on myself many times.

Another scary thought, the overdose that put me in the situation I wrote about above was NOT the last time I overdosed.

I overdosed one time after that and got to feel the pleasure of a tube going down my nose into my stomach so they could empty my stomach just to fill it with liquid charcoal.

Why am I telling you guys this? I am sharing these stories because it takes the "glamor" away from suicide. A lot of people think after they take the pills that will be the end and that is farthest from the truth.

Suicide attempts are painful physically and emotionally and can leave you scarred in more than one way.

There is always an alternative that is not harmful to yourself, and I encourage you to take the non harmful approach.

Learn from my mistakes, don't make them yourself. I regret my choices to this day.

                                                       I went from this

To this

In three years

I went from being in a constant state of suicidal crisis and cutting every day to having a job, going to school, being active in therapy, not in crisis mode, not suicidal all the time, and not cutting every day. (Though if you keep a look out there may be new cuts now and then) 

I am in recovery!

Don't make choices you will regret, get help.

You are loved.

xoxoxo

Do It!

So, there's work, there's school, there's family, there's friends, and then there is mental health.

Mental health is the most important one of those things.

Why did I put it last? Because that is how many people treat it...A last priority.

YOU have to come first in YOUR life, otherwise work school family and friends suffer.

If you don't take care of your mental health you could lose your job, be kicked out of or stop going to school, and push your family and friends away.

Then, you lose everything you had.

So take the pills, go to therapy, do the WORK.

Work?

Yes. Work.

No one can do it for you. YOU have to fight for your right to be mentally healthy.

See a doctor, and/or a therapist and take the pills.

FORGET the stigmas because YOU are most important in YOUR life.

What about my kids, shouldn't they come first???

No, YOU come first because those kids depend on YOU and if YOU aren't healthy YOU cannot do your best for them the way they deserve.

Love you all

xoxoxo