New Surroundings...New Heartache

November 11th I left my home in Michigan to venture into the great unknown. After a very eventful and emotional journey that consisted of two planes and a cab I arrived here in Pocatello.

Pocatello is a nice town and the buses have proven to be reliable, but I have come across new challenges and heartaches.

A "new" job.

I transferred to the Kmart out here and have finally started getting hours. These people are new to me. I have to learn them just as I learned the ones in Michigan. The difference is that these ones don't seem to have faith in me. In Michigan I was working in a supportive work environment with people who love me, the people here make it known that they doubt my ability to do the job that I know I do well. Their lack of faith makes me dread work and adds continuous heartbreak. Oh, how I want to give up, but even more I want to prove to them that I am as damn good at my job as everyone in Michigan new I would be from day one.

Losing the ones I love.

I long to communicate with the people I had to leave behind in Michigan. I long to let them know that I still love them. My heart fears that as they learn to live a life without me in it that they will move on and forget me. I feel like if I talk to them as much as I want to I will annoy them and drive them away. I fear that talking to them will make the heartache worse.

Fighting roommates.

I never once thought that I would be 22 and be reliving the trauma of the fights my parents had while they were married and during the divorce almost everyday. I love my roommates dearly but when they fight I get brought back to that place where I was as a kid praying my parents would get divorced just so they wouldn't be able to fight anymore. No matter how many DBT skills I try to use it is nearly impossible to stop myself from going back in time.

New triggers.

My mental health is slowly deteriorating. Most likely due to a lack of regularly taking my meds, a new environment, new triggers, and a new therapist. One of my roommates is dealing with self harm the way I do. They are not as far along in recovery as I am and it is very hard to maintain the recovery I have achieved when I am in this situation. I now know what it is like to be plagued by the fear and anxiety that they may cut too deep while they are home alone. Everytime I leave the house I fear that I will come back to a lifeless, bloody body on the bathroom floor. This wears me down more than I ever knew it could. I have a new appreciation for what I have put my loved ones through all these years. I try to fight and stay strong, but I would be lying if I said I have not relapsed.

A broken, hurting heart.

My heart hurts in a way I have never allowed it to hurt before. There is loss and pain. Fear and guilt. What if something happens to a loved one in Michigan and I cannot get there in time? I am so far from everything I have ever known and everyone I have ever loved. I feel guilty knowing I got out of that closing store while my beloved co workers are forced to follow through with the liquidation and see the store we all love fall apart. I feel like I should have to suffer with them, we should walk out of those doors on that final day together as a family and now I'm across country. My mom has new health problems that mystify doctors. My brother is away at college with his best friend...I can no longer be there to love and protect them the way I have for so long. I admit I have been through things in life that have hurt me more than this, but I never allowed myself to feel that hurt. Now, I feel it and struggle to control it as to not allow it to take over my life. I fight every single day to keep myself out of that overwhelming depression that is continuously knocking at my door. I force myself to get on a bus full of strangers to get me to a job where no one seems to have faith in me. My life and my sanity are on the verge of crumbling down into ashes that get blown away in the wind. Every single time I think of just ending everything as I have tried too many times before I am reminded of the fact that if I end it now I will never be able to hug my mother or brother again and right now that is honestly the only thing keeping me alive. My heart aches so badly. I wish that I could just turn back time to this summer where I worked at a Kmart that was not closing with people who I loved dearly. Where I would go home to my brother playing his video games and my animals knowing my mom would soon join us. I wish I could go back to those times and freeze them so I could live there forever. People tell me I'm strong, but I have never felt so weak and helpless.