Sick of Life

I know it has been a while since I posted, but I'm back...

So, a few weeks ago my mother kicked me out, making me homeless once again. It hurts so much to know that my parents don't love me. Parents who love their kids don't put their kids on the street not caring where they sleep, what they eat, or how they get to school.

I found a family to stay with, but no matter how welcome they try to make me feel, it isn't my home, it isn't my room, it isn't my bed, and it isn't my family. I feel so helpless staying with people who didn't have to take me in, and not being able to give them anything in return; it's not fair. In the past few weeks, these people have shown me more love than my parents do, and that's sad.

My safety was ripped away from me in a matter of minutes, and ever since then the nightmares are back, I cry whenever I'm alone, and I'm more depressed than ever. Truth is, I don't feel safe anymore and I don't know if I ever will.

The worst part is I had to leave my little brother and my cat behind. The two things I love most in this world and would do anything for, and I can't be with them. It was offered to me that I could bring my cat where I'm staying only to find him a new home because I'm broke and can't afford food or litter for him, but I could never do that. Asking me to get rid of my cat who has been there with me through everything, is like asking a parent who cares about their child to get rid of their 9 year old child (I say 9 because that is how old my cat is). So, for now my cat is with the person I have to call my mother. I wish I was there for my brother, but I can't be and chances are, as much as it breaks my heart, I probably wont be able to be there to see him graduate high school next year.

Now I'm stuck with a choice. Keep going to school and wait to see if I qualify for SSI, or quit school and, at the risk of a complete mental breakdown, try getting a job. I would love to wait to see if I can get SSI, but that can take months and I don't know if I can stay here that long. Everyday I fear that they are going to get sick of me and make me leave like my parents did.

Luckily, I can still go to therapy because TTI picks me up and takes me there, and TTI is paying for my medication since the state wont give me insurance.

Also, I need to have my gallbladder taken out, but I can't afford it because I have no income and no insurance. So, I just live with being sick and in pain all the time as it slowly gets worse.

I have people telling me to just be more positive. NEWSFLASH...it isn't that easy!!! I can't just turn off my depression and be positive, that's not how it works.

Anyways, it is 4:05 am and I have to be up for therapy in 6 hours so I am going to try to sleep even though I'll probably just end up in tears like I do every night.

xoxoxo