Mental Illness Crushed My Dreams

As a kid I had my future planned out. I would graduate high school, go to college, graduate college, work on and achieve a doctorate, and get a job helping others in the field of psychology.

I never even thought that my depression would get as bad as it has. I never thought the person I would be having to help would end up being myself, and I definitely never thought that mental illness would get in the way of my dreams.

I did manage to graduate high school early. After getting expelled from two traditional high schools, I did graduate from an alternative high school. Alternative school was not in my plan, but hey, I got my diploma. Shortly after graduating high school I got myself into a very expensive private college, where my tuition didn't cost me anything out of pocket and I lived on campus. Things seemed to be going pretty much as planned.

All through high school I was depressed and dealing with self harm, and it just got worse in college. My fear of people got worse. I lived in a tiny room with a complete stranger (who turned out being pretty awesome) shared a bathroom that never seemed to stay clean, and had to choose between passing grades or adequate sleep. Things went downhill quite fast.

I was almost constantly in a psychiatric hospital. My meds were always being changed. Traditional talk therapy just wasn't working anymore. My cutting had gotten out of control and I didn't care to hide it anymore. Then in an abnormal psych class I learned about Borderline Personality Disorder. I brought the diagnosis to my psychiatrist and he agreed I fit the criteria. At that point I thought for sure I would get better. Now that we knew what I was dealing with there had to be some form of medication combination that would fix it.

I was wrong.

Little did I know that BPD meant hardcore therapy because there are no medications for it. This therapy is called Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. This therapy would take 1 hour of individual therapy, 2 and a half hours of group therapy, and hours of homework each week. This therapy in itself took more time than school did.

Shortly after that I got kicked out of the school I was attending. I moved back home with my mom and I started this new therapy. Things were a roller coaster, and they added rapid cycle bipolar to my list of disorders. New meds were started and I thought I was getting better. I wasn't.

Then, after a long series of events that I may get into in another post when I'm not super tired and being sedated by my nighttime medications. I decided to put actual work into the DBT therapy.

I saw changes...slowly but surely I was getting better.

Then more things that I had little to no control over happened and I found myself in the middle of Detroit in a homeless shelter. I was no longer able to do my DBT.

Then after a few months in the shelter I was hospitalized yet again. That was a year ago today. I got out 21 days later on January 3, 2014. I did not live in the best situation and was emotionally and verbally abused.

Then more things out of my control happened and I ended up back at home with my mom. I immediately got back on meds, got a job, and got back into DBT. I was doing better, again.

Then, I moved across country from Michigan to Idaho. I have no insurance and am not getting DBT. I did manage to transfer my job out here. I am not going to say much about how I am treated or where I work because this is public and I do not want to risk losing my only source of income.

As I said in the post before this one things are very difficult here. Luckily my mom is putting me on her insurance so I can get meds, a psychiatrist, and proper therapy.

My whole point of all of this is that my friends are graduated from the same college I got kicked out of. They have their bachelors degree, and I have 5 failed years of college and nothing but student loans to show for it.

Where is my diploma for being stable this long through everything that has been thrown at me? Even in substance abuse programs they give out keychains and things for milestones. I have been out of the hospital for almost a year and I have nothing to show for it except for the fact that I am still alive.

Very few people appreciate the effort it takes to keep myself alive. Very few people hear my reason of mental illness and understand.

Many more people say I'm lazy. That I don't want a degree. That I don't want to work hard enough to do anything with my life. Those people don't realize that I work a full time job of not killing myself. Of recovering.

I have no more dreams. Those were taken from me by mental illness.

I am going to focus on me, and I am going to get well.

Maybe, once I'm well, I can make new dreams. Or maybe I can rekindle the old ones.

Only time will tell.

xoxoxo

New Surroundings...New Heartache

November 11th I left my home in Michigan to venture into the great unknown. After a very eventful and emotional journey that consisted of two planes and a cab I arrived here in Pocatello.

Pocatello is a nice town and the buses have proven to be reliable, but I have come across new challenges and heartaches.

A "new" job.

I transferred to the Kmart out here and have finally started getting hours. These people are new to me. I have to learn them just as I learned the ones in Michigan. The difference is that these ones don't seem to have faith in me. In Michigan I was working in a supportive work environment with people who love me, the people here make it known that they doubt my ability to do the job that I know I do well. Their lack of faith makes me dread work and adds continuous heartbreak. Oh, how I want to give up, but even more I want to prove to them that I am as damn good at my job as everyone in Michigan new I would be from day one.

Losing the ones I love.

I long to communicate with the people I had to leave behind in Michigan. I long to let them know that I still love them. My heart fears that as they learn to live a life without me in it that they will move on and forget me. I feel like if I talk to them as much as I want to I will annoy them and drive them away. I fear that talking to them will make the heartache worse.

Fighting roommates.

I never once thought that I would be 22 and be reliving the trauma of the fights my parents had while they were married and during the divorce almost everyday. I love my roommates dearly but when they fight I get brought back to that place where I was as a kid praying my parents would get divorced just so they wouldn't be able to fight anymore. No matter how many DBT skills I try to use it is nearly impossible to stop myself from going back in time.

New triggers.

My mental health is slowly deteriorating. Most likely due to a lack of regularly taking my meds, a new environment, new triggers, and a new therapist. One of my roommates is dealing with self harm the way I do. They are not as far along in recovery as I am and it is very hard to maintain the recovery I have achieved when I am in this situation. I now know what it is like to be plagued by the fear and anxiety that they may cut too deep while they are home alone. Everytime I leave the house I fear that I will come back to a lifeless, bloody body on the bathroom floor. This wears me down more than I ever knew it could. I have a new appreciation for what I have put my loved ones through all these years. I try to fight and stay strong, but I would be lying if I said I have not relapsed.

A broken, hurting heart.

My heart hurts in a way I have never allowed it to hurt before. There is loss and pain. Fear and guilt. What if something happens to a loved one in Michigan and I cannot get there in time? I am so far from everything I have ever known and everyone I have ever loved. I feel guilty knowing I got out of that closing store while my beloved co workers are forced to follow through with the liquidation and see the store we all love fall apart. I feel like I should have to suffer with them, we should walk out of those doors on that final day together as a family and now I'm across country. My mom has new health problems that mystify doctors. My brother is away at college with his best friend...I can no longer be there to love and protect them the way I have for so long. I admit I have been through things in life that have hurt me more than this, but I never allowed myself to feel that hurt. Now, I feel it and struggle to control it as to not allow it to take over my life. I fight every single day to keep myself out of that overwhelming depression that is continuously knocking at my door. I force myself to get on a bus full of strangers to get me to a job where no one seems to have faith in me. My life and my sanity are on the verge of crumbling down into ashes that get blown away in the wind. Every single time I think of just ending everything as I have tried too many times before I am reminded of the fact that if I end it now I will never be able to hug my mother or brother again and right now that is honestly the only thing keeping me alive. My heart aches so badly. I wish that I could just turn back time to this summer where I worked at a Kmart that was not closing with people who I loved dearly. Where I would go home to my brother playing his video games and my animals knowing my mom would soon join us. I wish I could go back to those times and freeze them so I could live there forever. People tell me I'm strong, but I have never felt so weak and helpless.

Moving and Heartache

In less than a week, I will be on a plane flying to Idaho. 

I am terrified. 

My heart aches. 

I am so scared that I am going to hate myself for leaving everything I love to venture into the unknown, 

What if something happens to my family here in Michigan? 

I have always been able to be here to provide as much hands on support as I could, and now I'll be in a whole different state. 

What if my friends and I drift apart because I never got to say goodbye?

I wont be able to support my Kmart family in the ways I have and want to during the liquidation. 

I will not be able to be there when those doors close behind them for the final time. The doors to the place I have come to love on a deeper level than I ever thought possible. The doors that lead me to some of the most supportive and caring people I have ever met. All of that will be gone and I wont be here to say that final goodbye. 

No more Saturday trips to Salvation Army with my mom. 

No more Epic Church on Sundays. 

I wont get to cuddle my cat before I go to sleep each night as I do now, and I pray that he understands in the best way a cat can. Even though he is old now, I pray I can be with him on his last days on Earth. That cat means so much to me and I love him more than anything. 

I can't just call my friends to come hang out with me when I am having bad days. 

I have to go through the process of finding new mental health professionals that I get a long with. 

I have to adjust to a new Kmart and new coworkers who even though they will never be as awesome and crazy as my current coworkers are bound to become a new part of my Kmart family. 

I can no longer get in a car, drive 8 hours and see my baby brother. I'll have to take a plane. 

The first anniversary of my best friend and my Great Grandma's deaths are coming up and I wont be here to support or have the support of my deceased friends wife, or my family. Also, I will have to figure out how to cope with this experience myself.

I wont be able to spend the holidays with my mom and my brother as I have for so many years. Also, I wont be here for my mom or my brother's birthdays. (December 12th and January 31st)

I wont be able to call TTI when I have a problem. The people who have done their absolute best to support me through my mental illnesses for so many years will no longer be the people I can turn to. 

What if my anxiety gets in my way of making new friends, or doing my job effectively?

What if I spiral down because I don't know how to cope? DBT is all about coping skills and I haven't learned them all yet. What if the ones I need are the ones I haven't learned?

What if I isolate myself from the people here in Michigan that I love so deeply simply because it hurts too much to constantly be reminded that I am so far from them? What if I hurt them in order to try and protect myself from hurt in the best way I know how? 

What if on my first day at my new Kmart I can't stop crying because I miss the one I have here? What if I allow my emotions to screw up that job for me? 

What if something happens to me and my mom can't be there?

I have never been so scared, or hurt in my entire life. 

I know that the people who offered to let me live with them are great people, but I also know I can be incredibly hard to live with. 

I know that this could be the best decision I will ever make, but I'm terrified it'll be the one I regret the most. 

It is haunting to feel everything so deeply. 

My Newest and Biggest Fear (So Far)

There are many things that scare many people. Each person has a different set of fears. From clowns to heights.

There are very few things that scare me.

But...

This new knowledge scares me more than anything has ever scared me, but in a different way than I have ever been scared.

With the one year anniversary of me getting out of the psychiatric hospital coming up I am petrified of screwing things up and I unknowingly and unwillingly got on that path again.

With the new move coming on fast I have unknowingly gone into an emotional shut down. A shut down I learned about in today's therapy session.

I also was reminded about the detrimental effects that this could have on me once I do begin to feel things again, whenever that may be.

If I do not begin to feel things again soon when I do begin to feel I will be flooded by a rush of negative emotions that could very well land me back in the hospital.

And that is what scares me.

I know I can prevent this, I just don't know how.

How does one begin to feel things again?

My therapist says I need to grieve the life I am leaving behind.

I have never "properly" grieved.

How does one grieve in a healthy way?

I do not know the answer to these questions but I need to find out because I need to do everything in my power to prevent me from going backwards in my recovery.

Much love. Stay safe.

xoxoxo

Frustrating but Temporary

Little known fact:

I was the one to bring the diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) to my psychiatrists attention. I learned about it in an abnormal psychology class, researched it and said "hey, that's me." I had my friends read the information I printed out about it and they all agreed. So, I brought my self knowledge and what I had researched to my doctor. He didn't agree at first because I, in his eyes, was missing one key factor I wasn't "upsetting enough." This doctor who barely knew me had the guts to tell me I am not upsetting enough to have a disorder when I have all of the other symptoms? Well, let's just say he quickly learned first hand over our next few sessions how "upsetting" I really am. Needless to say, by being myself I got the right diagnosis and am now getting the most effective kind of therapy.

Okay so here is the real blog post:

I am on the verge of some HUGE life changes. I am leaving the city I have known most of my life to move to a place I visited once as a kid.

My mom is not moving with me.

My cat is not moving with me.

My brother is not moving with me.

The three most important things in my life are staying right here in Michigan where they belong.

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I am moving to Pocatello, Idaho.

I am moving in November.

November 11th to be more precise.

I have wonderful and supportive people who offered to let me live with them.

I've known them for what feels like forever.

I'm also extremely emotional.

Partially because of the things mentioned above and partially because they
are closing down the Kmart I work at.

It's "normal" to be emotional about moving. It's even "normal" to be upset about your place of work closing.

Here's the thing, I am upset about my Kmart being shut down when I already knew I was leaving and when we already knew in our hearts they were shutting us down.

I can see being upset for a day but it's been three and I still cry whenever I think about even going to Kmart.

It's just sad to me that they are getting rid of the place I have grown so fond of and the people I grew to love so dearly.

This is where people educated in psychology (other than my therapist who does her best to validate me instead of stereotype me) look at me and tell me I'm a "classic borderline."

I honestly am so completely devastated.

I feel as if my world is crashing around me.

Not because I'm moving to another state but because I'm losing something I knew would be temporary.

I KNEW it was temporary!

I KNEW!!

But here I am in tears most of the time because of this situation.

I'm not going to agree with various doctors who call me a "classic borderline" because that says to me I am BPD not I have BPD.

I am going to say I am definitely an individual who exhibits extreme signs and traits of Borderline Personality Disorder.

I say it my way and not the doctors way because the doctors way makes me feel like I'm stuck being "A borderline" whereas my way tells me at this point in time in my life I am showing signs of having this specific psychiatric disorder and I can work towards recovery through DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy).

I am not a borderline, I am an individual who suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder.

This is frustrating, but temporary.

Much love, be safe!

xoxoxo

Beautiful in its Own Twisted Way ( A Poem)

A life lived
People loved

Loved
Oh how 
I love them

I love you
I can't stand you

There are no in betweens
I don’t know what grey is

My love 
My dislike 
black and white

One cannot exist
Without the other

Black needs white
White needs black

Never mixing
No grey

Coexisting 
So far apart

Codependency
Without a hug

That is 
My life

Beautiful
In its own
Twisted way

Welp...Today Was a Sad Day, but Here Is Some News

It is with a heavy heart I announce that today we officially found out the Kmart me and my co workers (many of whom I now call friends) work at is being liquidated. They are shutting us down.

Liquidation sales start next week and doors close December 17th.

It hurts knowing that many of my friends will have to find different jobs. It hurts that when I come back to visit it wont be the Kmart I grew to love.

I love my job and the people I work with.

That being said you will have noticed I said "When I come back to visit" which raises the question of "Where am I going?"

I am moving to Pocatello, Idaho.

When?

Well plans are November as of right now.

There is nothing keeping me here anymore.

My mom is here, but I think we will get a long better if I'm not around as much.

My brother is away at college.

My Dad and his family are in Florida.

My job is closing.

Nothing is holding me back.

I am free.

I will leave in tears, the same way I'm crying while writing this.

But the tears and hurt will be temporary as I begin to re create myself and my life.

Love you all

xoxoxo