Prescription Drug Abuse

I have a confession...

I abuse my Klonopin.

For those of you who don't know Klonopin is a benzodiazepine (Benzo) that is commonly used for anxiety. I have moderate to severe social anxiety and ever since I got my job (where I deal with people my entire shift se of who are angry) I have been taking three times my prescribed dose of Klonopin.

It helps so much. It allows me to be social and outgoing at work.

I can't keep doing this.

It gives me temporary relief but what happens when three times my dose isn't enough anymore? How long until I'm taking it by the handful?

I can't live like this. I would rather have a few non benzos (non addictive) that work than a benzo that I abuse.

Last time I tried to go off my Klonopin I have severe withdrawals, as Klonopin is highly addictive.

I'm scared of how my body will react this time, but I need to go off of the Klonopin.

Suicide Prevention Day: I've Been There, It's Not Worth It **Trigger Warning**

I have been on that edge between life and death, and I am the one who put myself there.

There is nothing more terrifying than waking up with tubes down your throat hooked up to machines, one of which is breathing for you. Waking up in that situation, then turning your head and seeing your mom sitting in the chair next to your bed, that is the most terrible situation I have ever put myself in.

I was lucky enough to survive, lucky enough to wake up.

I woke up terrified not only for my sake but for the sake of my mother and my brother who I had put through seeing me like that.

I made that choice. Yes, a lot of situations lead up to that choice, but it was still MY choice. No one shoved those pills down my throat, I willingly took them handful by handful. I thought I would die, and when I woke up to find myself still alive I didn't know how bad the damage was. Was my brain okay? What about my liver?

My liver is damaged, luckily my brain is not.

Suicide is a CHOICE, and if you can choose to take the pills you can also choose to call a friend, a therapist, a crisis line, or even 911.

I've called 911 on myself many times.

Another scary thought, the overdose that put me in the situation I wrote about above was NOT the last time I overdosed.

I overdosed one time after that and got to feel the pleasure of a tube going down my nose into my stomach so they could empty my stomach just to fill it with liquid charcoal.

Why am I telling you guys this? I am sharing these stories because it takes the "glamor" away from suicide. A lot of people think after they take the pills that will be the end and that is farthest from the truth.

Suicide attempts are painful physically and emotionally and can leave you scarred in more than one way.

There is always an alternative that is not harmful to yourself, and I encourage you to take the non harmful approach.

Learn from my mistakes, don't make them yourself. I regret my choices to this day.

                                                       I went from this

To this

In three years

I went from being in a constant state of suicidal crisis and cutting every day to having a job, going to school, being active in therapy, not in crisis mode, not suicidal all the time, and not cutting every day. (Though if you keep a look out there may be new cuts now and then) 

I am in recovery!

Don't make choices you will regret, get help.

You are loved.

xoxoxo

Do It!

So, there's work, there's school, there's family, there's friends, and then there is mental health.

Mental health is the most important one of those things.

Why did I put it last? Because that is how many people treat it...A last priority.

YOU have to come first in YOUR life, otherwise work school family and friends suffer.

If you don't take care of your mental health you could lose your job, be kicked out of or stop going to school, and push your family and friends away.

Then, you lose everything you had.

So take the pills, go to therapy, do the WORK.

Work?

Yes. Work.

No one can do it for you. YOU have to fight for your right to be mentally healthy.

See a doctor, and/or a therapist and take the pills.

FORGET the stigmas because YOU are most important in YOUR life.

What about my kids, shouldn't they come first???

No, YOU come first because those kids depend on YOU and if YOU aren't healthy YOU cannot do your best for them the way they deserve.

Love you all

xoxoxo

Adjustments

So, my life has been kinda crazy lately.

I moved back in with my mom here in Rochester and I got a job at the Kmart up the street.

Living with my mom is a lot better than living in the situation I was living in before.

I now have full time school, volunteer work, therapy, and a part time job.

I am learning how to balance all of these things and it's a lot to deal with.

This week is my first week of work and I'm already worried about getting my school work done on time.

Add therapy and volunteer work to that and I'm stressing.

I think once I get the hang of the whole work thing I will be able to handle it all since it's a part time job, but it's going to be rough for a minute.

And that was a look into the life of Kiah...you're welcome. Lol.

Much love

xoxoxo

Introducing..... Was Broken. Now, Recovering.

So the name of my blog used to be Broken, Empty, Recovering. Now, I call it Was Broken. Now, Recovering. Along with the name change came a theme change for the layout, background, and colors of my blog.

These changes are good.

My blog went from black and depressing, to colorful and full of hope.

My life is going that way as well.

I don't think I will ever be fully recovered, but I am recovering. I will always be recovering.

I will always be in recovery because there will always be mental illness that I am going to have to deal with.

I am a fighter, a warrior, and I always will be.

So say goodbye to my old friend Broken, Empty, Recovering.

Say hello to my new lifestyle Was Broken. Now, Recovering.

I hope you will follow me on this new journey in my life.

Much love,

Kiah <3

xoxoxoxo

Sister Appreciation Day

So, I'm not sure what day is actually sister appreciation day, but let's pretend it is today.

I just got off the phone with a lovely young lady. She's funny, intelligent, God loving, and a bit crazy, and I love her. Not to mention the awesome hugs!

The day we met was kind of a God thing, well not kind of a God thing, it really was a God thing. I was in youth group after service had ended and I was alone in a crowd as usual. I was at a really bad point in my life. I was struggling hardcore with depression, cutting, and suicidal ideations. I also hated being touched, and people seemed to know that and respect that.

Well, this particular night I was having a real rough time. I had my suicide planned, pills counted, note written, I did not plan on waking up the next morning. Then, as I stood there being the socially awkward person I am out of no where this girl came and gave me the biggest hug, and didn't let go. At first I panicked, then it was awkward, then I felt something I hadn't felt in a long time. I felt love. It was pouring out of this girl and into me. Finally, she asked if I wanted her to let go and I said yes and she gave me the saddest look in the history of sad looks. She took me to meet her mom, who is wonderful, and I introduced her to mine and we parted ways.

That night we became sisters. We never really were friends, it was like finding a long lost family member you never knew existed. Her mom took me in too. Here I was with a whole new set of people to call family. That night I put the pills away, taking only what I was supposed to, and I tore up the note (not to say I haven't struggled since then because I definitely have). God sent her to save me, and that is what she did.

Over the last 6 or 7 years we've grown to know each other better. This girl is always here for me, praying for me and supporting me, listening to me ramble on about random stuff. She has always been there for me. When she went to school in another state she was still there for me, and now as she preps for a rather long journey in Thailand I know that she will still be there, it will be in a totally new way but she's my sister and that will never change.

I love this girl so much God has used her in my life in so many different ways, and He couldn't have picked a better person to send into my life. I guess He knew that, I mean He is God after all.

This girl goes by the name of Danielle, and below is a picture of us the last time we hung out.

Impulsive Behaviors

So, I am more than willing to admit that I am a very impulsive person.

My psych doc thinks I'm on some kind of road to self destruction because I stopped my meds for a few weeks and though I'm taking them now I only take them when I remember, which generally means I only take the night meds.

When I was off my meds I was doing things I wouldn't normally do. I was in a constant manic state of mind. Most people I talk to love their mania, I hate it. I would rather be numb. I hate it because it turns me into a person who does things I don't usually do.

The other night I was talking to this girl online who is a member of a facebook group I admin for and she was just rejecting everything I asked her to try. She ended up taking some pills and she stopped responding to me. I got scared. The first thing I did through my tears was go to the fridge and grab a drink.

 (I did end up hearing from the girl the next day and she was in the ER being hospitalized)

I don't like to drink. Alcohol makes me depressed and tired, so really all it does is heighten what I feel on a regular basis. Yet, since I knew the alcohol was there, I ran to it for comfort, and I shouldn't have.

Alcohol can have a poor interaction with my medications and it's dangerous, and I know that.

I could have called a friend or a crisis line, but I chose to drink. It was impulsive. I did not think it through I just did it. I was even talking to other admins trying to figure out what to do and they were being so supportive, but I ran to the bottle.

Here is a picture of me that night after the tears had stopped.

I posted the picture on facebook talking about how it was my therapy. 

There are so many things wrong with that. 

Alcohol is NOT therapy, it is self destructive. 

My psych eval says I have a drinking problem and I think I see it now. 

Whenever I have money I buy alcohol and I drink it. I dont get drunk but I drink. 

But I'm not even sure if that qualifies as a drinking problem. 

But as soon as I post this I am going to call my therapist, the human one. 

I love you guys! Be safe! 

xoxoxo